2003-02-05 
 

tippety tap

Just responded to an e-mail from from a good friend which has taken all of my urge to type away. So I'll cut and paste a few of my comments instead. (this is all in response to an article from The Advocate)

Everybody is different. I don't like being told the "correct" way to feel. I did resent the author telling me that he knew better than me and before I state my own views about sex and romance, I'd like to point out something that he's overlooked. Different life experiences lead to different ways of looking at things. I grew up in a pretty liberal family that spoke candidly about premarital sex and allowed me to read a variety of different books. This lead me to discover that much of what society taught me about "proper" relationships actually didn't hold true for much of society. And, not to get all squiggly on you but I've got to say it, they taught me that we are all snowflakes; different in many beautiful ways. We're all made of the same basic stuff, but the way we manifest it is wonderful because of its variety and should be cherished not squelched. After all, when you try to make one snowflake look exactly like another, you end up with a broken snowflake.

The point is that for the writer to act as if he alone knows the truth, made it hard for me to even respect his argument to keep sex "sacred." If I'd come across this article in a place outside of an e-mail from a friend, I might not've given it the respect of a full and thoughtful read. (I've heard the same "no sex without a longterm relationship" argument before from too many pulpits and done enough soul searching to know that it doesn't accurately reflect my own personal reality.)

I'm someone who has actually had great sex with a someone I just met, and I can tell you this: someone who's having sex in that situation for any reason other than the fun of the moment probably isn't cut out for casual sex. Who ever said that sex was some magic salve that was supposed to make things better? With that reasoning, I should complain because the glass of wine that I had with dinner last night didn't permanantly alter my life for the better. Sure it relaxed me at the time, but after the fact, if I was still looking to feel good, I'd need more wine...and eventually I'd be an alcoholic. There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine, as long as you're having it for the right reasons and not expecting it to work miracles.

The author counsels his friends to "wait for butterflies", but I counsel my friends to follow their hearts. I have friends who look for love in all the wrong places and should only have sex with very few people, and I have friends who just need some non-self administered sex now and again to keep them sane. I say, figure out who you are and rejoice in it, but don't assume it's right for everybody.

Most importantly, if you're not willing to talk about sex openly, my reco is to leave it as unexplored territory. Being scared to talk about it means you probably aren't ready for it in a relationship, let alone in a casual encounter.

(I added this last comment as I posted this, because taken out of context someone might see me as a casual sex advocate. If you truly know me, as most people reading this do, you know I'm all about being true to yourself and not letting others determine who you are. I realize that many people are too embarassed/afraid to let the world know how they feel about sex and get even more screwed up because they just do what everyone tells them to instead of figuring out where their desires come from.)

* posted by me at 2:44 AM

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