2003-06-27 
 

home again?

After an uneventful flight, G and I are back in SF. I was a bit bummed that we were assigned to row 13 since in a 757 that's the odd row without the window. (I mean, doesn't the poor number suffer enough stigma without having people curse it out for making them feel even more sardine-ish?)

So back home from home. This trip was wonderful - after Salem, we had several days down Cape with the Dude and his Dudette. Was really nice getting to know her and spend time doing just chilling out for a while. Back home to Mom and Dad's where they had a nice little birthday dinner for the both of us. It's about then that I started going a bit down emotionally. Every time I go back it gets a little harder to leave. The next day as we were over the M's I just couldn't pep myself up. MomToo was chatting away about how Mom and Dad were doing, but I couldn't pay attention. The truth is I just wanted to start crying, but it's weird for me to just reach out for emotional support for no definable reason so I ended up being a little numb throughout the visit. Aside to the M's - and everyone else for that matter - this is all my own baggage that I'm dealing with, I blame no one else. I also know there's plenty of folks out there who would help me carry it, but I haven't quite figured out which bags are mine yet, so wait for me on the curb by the taxi stand and I'll be out shortly.

There's so many conflicting feelings about what home means to me. It's where the love is sure, but I've got that in two distinct places in this world now and I'm just not sure how to deal with it. SF is easy. Boston is hard. I have deeper, longer lasting relationships on the East Coast. SF is very transient. I love SF as a city. I don't so much love Boston as a city. It does have it's good points, but compared to SF? SF wins hands down. Add to that: I did meet G here and this city has some true benefits that the east coast is lacking.

What I guess I haven't quite touched on yet is the fact that I will be moving back. It's just a matter of waiting for the moment to be right. The recent upgrade in job and some vague promises of better economic future next year mean it could happen sooner rather than later. The pain I feel in leaving the folks back there every time I go makes it even more real...and for the first time I find myself almost missing SF in advance.

I do not plan on letting myself wallow in this "torn between two lovers" place. I do believe in living in the moment and choosing happiness, but that's only healthy if you've first allowed yourself to examine the choice. Otherwise it's just repression. So I'm examining.

Labels: dose of mikey, looking eastward, san francisco, spirit

* posted by me at 1:58 AM

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