2003-06-09
pupal
Every once in a while I get a sense that some "thing" is imminent. It usually means I'm about to come to some sort of split in the road where a decision will have to be made. Could be something as simple as which way to drive to work, or as complicated as whether to go to Boston vs. someplace else. I'm not sure what it is this time, but I'll try to be on the lookout. The thing is, I never know exactly when it'll happen, but I know shortly after the fact. The pre-butterfly feeling goes away. Not butterflies in the stomach, though I feel those too sometimes, but instead a feeling that I'm in some sort of pupal state and about to burst forth into a new world.
I use the Boston example because it was once a choice I made. One summer I could've made it back there by squashing just a bit more onto the credit card, but I decided to stay in SF and "be responsible". It wasn't a matter of a right or wrong decision, but some pretty big things happened in a certain way...and I got to avoid them and stand aside later on. The distance helped me. I have a feeling that my presence would have embroiled me much deeper in things, even changed the way things played out. (though admittedly, most probably for the worse) On the other side of the coin, I also missed my last chance to see my grandfather alive. In some ways, he'll never leave me, and I know I'm going to see him again in the next round or two....still it'd be nice to have a chance to hug him again. As disappointed as he must've been by my decision to live my life honestly as a gay man, he never stopped loving me and he always meant his hugs.
For those of you who're wondering, the choice this time around wasn't whether or not to go to Boston, that was a pretty normal type of choice. Then again, maybe it's something else and not a choice moment at all.
butterflies landing
rainbows appearing
torn wishes set adrift
It sounds like some sad poem written by a child who's lost her pretty pony, doesn't it?Labels: dose of mikey, spirit
* posted by me at 2:54 AM
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