2003-10-04 
 

shell fish

It's been a harsh week. Announcements about who's going and who's staying at work won't be made until the week after next and the stress is getting to everyone, meanwhile we're supposed to go on doing our jobs as if everything were normal. I can usually put on a happy face at work even when I'm down, but this week I really lost the motivation. Meanwhile, the fact that I could be laid off is putting me into a general space of insecurity that I'm magnifying in my life around me. I try to keep up the happy act, but things with G are being strained too.

I know he loves me, but I am letting the insecurity get to me and want to be reassured constantly that everything's ok between us. (which it is...other than my being a needy bastard these days....and a general downer every night I get home) I'm in a space where I want a lot of hugs and it's not easy to hug a crank meister, so his week's been strained as well. The thing is that I am also a selfish guy who feels that what I'm going through is the most important thing in the world, so I expect everyone around me to adapt to my needs. This is a truth about myself in general and honestly something that I'm not displeased with, it's gotten me to a place where I can be there for other people without letting myself get too run down. However, in situations where I'm being needy, it does tend to make me angry at those around me for not understanding that my feelings are paramount and that they can't be worrying about their own needs when mine aren't getting met. I know this is ridiculous and end up pushing everyone away in an attempt to stop the madness, reaching out very rarely to connect with friends etc. Being in a relationship makes this HARD. (Hug me! Leave me alone! Hug me! Leave me alone!) G must feel like a top spinning around.

At the same time, I'm wishing he could be more understanding of the fact that I'm going through a really rough patch and just ignore the insanity.

Labels: dose of mikey, sharketing

* posted by me at 12:20 PM

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