2004-02-06 
 

cold pillow

Sometimes when I can't sleep and G's awake elsewhere because of various drug interactions or his latest computer obsession, I grab hold of his pillow and breath in the slight scent he's left behind. It soothes me, but isn't a great substitute for a live body.

Sometimes I wake up to find him drenched in sweat beside me, his body heating up to heights I had never realized were possible outside of a hospital room. I pull back the covers and pull out the lighter blanket we use for these nights...covering him over and stroking his hair until the sweat passes. After crawling back under the heavier covers on my side of the bed, I reach out one hand to lightly touch the side of his body and fall asleep saying silent prayers.

Sometimes I wake up from some frenzied dream to find him lying peacefully beside me. His soft breathing and small smile letting me know that all's right in his world....and suddenly my own world is filled with an intense joy. I reach out and grab his hand causing him to wake momentarily and grab me back. Those nights I fall back asleep with the ease of a young child.

Sometimes we sleep straight through the night, having nothing more than pleasant dreams; our peace uninterrupted until the morning alarm. But those aren't the nights I look back at with fondness.

It's the nights that he grabs my hand and comforts me that I remember best. It's those nights I want to hold in my heart until my time here ends.

* posted by me at 5:30 AM

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