2004-06-16 
 

normal

I worry sometimes that G and I are growing apart. We've been together for so long now that what used to feel like closeness just feels like normal day to day interaction.

This weekend we're supposed to be going away to NYC. I have a work trip, and we set it up so that I could bring G along and then extend the stay for a few days to get in some vacation time with him...but he isn't as excited about it as I thought he'd be. We'd gone to NYC before, and I get a nice fuzzy feeling when he remembers it to friends as a great experience. I hoped to get that feeling again, but he's just not into it like I thought he would be. Shouldn't I have known that? One of the worst things about being gay - after the discrimination, name calling, and threat of bashing - is the need I feel to portray my couplehood as something perfect and normal to hetero society. I don't feel right having any sort of doubts. Ever.

I'm smart enough to know that every relationship has moments where partners will fall out of synch, but then I wonder, does everybody really have that happen to them? Do we fall out of synch too often? Is everyone else doing something better than me? And I'm scared to bring it up to friends and family without putting a too positive spin on things in order to keep them from thinking that I'm feeling anything more than a vauge qualm.

Sure, we do have a smattering of gay couples as friends, but then the AIDS thing becomes an issue. It puts an odd spin on our relationship that not everyone is comfortable talking about. There is one couple we know in a very similar circumstance, but they're G's friends. (There I go again, after almost 4 years, should I be categorizing friends as his and mine? I don't know.)

All I know is that the thought of not having him in my life causes such pain that I can't even contemplate it. I guess maybe it's a normal relationship after all.

* posted by me at 10:22 PM

Comments: Post a Comment