2006-08-29 
 

bird director

Walking through the park this evening, I noticed a homeless man waving his arms around as if he were directing the spiraling flight of the parrots overhead. Upon closer examination, I could see that his movements and those of the birds were remarkably in synch.

Perhaps he was directing them. Who am I to say he wasn't?

Labels: seen and heard

* posted by me at 10:46 PM

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2006-08-27 
 

eye contact

Much about walking city streets can be summed up in three words: avoid eye contact.

"Oh so sad!", you cry, "Come to the suburbs and drive everywhere. You won't have to live like that anymore."

But I like it here.

Besides, every once in a while, it's fun to step outside the zone and give some stranger a full on smile and a cheery "Hi!"

Sure, sometimes it backfires. Some folks scurry away from you in confusion and others may even yell, but its all worth it for the few who just smile back in a slightly surprised manner and wonder what you've been smoking.

Labels: dose of mikey

* posted by me at 5:30 PM

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2006-08-26 
 

hangover helper

I recently posted this elsewhere, but wanted to have it somewhere I could find it later. Ah, the wonder of blog.

To experience the hangover of the happy drunk without alcohol consumption:

Drink no water or other liquid for an entire day (or two depending on body size)

Set your alarm for two hours earlier than normal, ensuring less than 4 hours total sleep. Stay up late watching silly television or reading a trash novel or basically doing the one thing you don't normally let yourself do because it's a "time waster."

Before falling asleep, insert several stretched out cotton balls across teeth and get the eye dilator ready by bedside.

Upon awakening, drop eye dilation drops in and immediately say, "I SWEAR, I will never do that again."

Walk around wondering how everyone can stand so much light in the world.

Several hours later, eyes readjust, headache dissipates, and you truly awaken to the day. You'll start to remember how fun it was to escape into whatever treat you allowed yourself.

Kinda like childbirth, (or so I'm told) the pain passes more quickly than the memories. Mind you, do this on the night before any important event (like a work day) and it'll be much less tempting to repeat.

To experience the angry drunk, just take the additional step of calling several close friends just before bed and screaming out that you've always pitied them and only keep them around for cheap laughs. Slam phone down and then unplug.

Chatty drunk does similar thing only says wonderfully complementary things and sometimes divulges interesting secrets. (being an East Coast transplant to SF, I used to get quite a few of these from old friends since in their mind it was SAFE to call three hours into the past)

The slutty drunk isn't one I can currently give you directions for. I bobbled between happy and slutty myself for many a year, but I believe you have to be a bit of a slut to begin with. (and if you don't own the sluttiness, you'll be a sad puppy the next morning as you try to remember what you did)

Labels: dose of mikey

* posted by me at 2:30 AM

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2006-08-22 
 

fresh breath is a priority in my life

A recent post by Simon recently inspired me to give directions to him in the comments section on how to experience a hangover without actually consuming alcohol.

He also mentioned that he had "never smoked anything, been stoned, gotten pierced, inked, or played tiddlywinks with a stranger's tonsils on the back room couch."
Since I've done all of them, I wondered if I could explain them too. (If you have no interest, I suggest you turn back now.)

What I realize is that while I could describe a general feeling of those things, like the hangover, it'd never come close to the exact thing beyond a retelling of my own personal perceptions or a tongue in cheek comparison to something very different. I own that this makes me happy to have experienced them directly myself. Sure, there's some things I really don't want to ever experience, and some I have that I'd gladly erase from memory. (Hemorrhoids being a prime example.)

I respect the right of others to avoid this particular list below, but they all made my life a little more interesting and I'm glad I got the chance. (Please note my use of the word interesting vs. pleasant when you read the last one. How's that for foreshadowing?)

Stoned: Find adult size Sit N' Spin. Spin, spin, spin. Spin some more. Fall off laughing. Discuss similarities between Wizard of Oz and current government with either a close friend and/or relative stranger who's also just fallen off a nearby Sit N' Spin. Eventually lose track of conversation. Suddenly remember Sit N' Spin. Repeat.

Piercing: Honestly, quite painless. Really is just a pinch. But the pop when the needle punches through your ear is rather satisfying, like when you pop a zit and all the yuck comes out. (and don't tell me you never experienced that, then I can't help you) The worst part about the ear piercing is the alcohol swab you have to self inflict for quite some time after to avoid ears from swelling to gargantuan proportions.

Tattoo: Honestly, not very painless. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch. PINCH. And then more pinches. Like the arm sunburns we used to give each other as kids, but it lasts about an hour...or longer I guess depending on size of tattoo. I remember reminding myself that pain was a sensation the body felt like any other and that we had naturally trained responses to it. After a while I was able to pretty much enjoy it in an odd way. The same way you can enjoy the burn at the gym. You know something good'll come from it.

Back Couch: Actually, while there were several quite pleasant experiences I've had, what just came to mind was the New Year's I spent at Chaps in Boston. (the old Chaps, for those of you old enough to know the difference) Just before midnight, I'd chowed on a piece of too sweet cake and as the clock struck, downed my bubbly. Suddenly this totally gorgeous guy with perfectly tousled hair, no shirt (and his body should NEVER see the evil cover of a shirt) pulled me down next to him in the "lounge".

I was giddy with excitement when he told me he'd been watching me and thought I was the cutest guy there. (even in my tipsy state, I realized this was purely a line inspired by his own level of inebriation, but hey...did I mention he was HOT?) We proceeded to greet the New Year in the traditional way. Unfortunately, as his tongue probed ever more deeply into my mouth, I began to realize that he had very recently vomited. The sweetness of the cake I'd eaten had tried to defeat it at first, but soon gave up and tagged the remnants of champagne which had even less luck. As soon as this unfortunate taste fight was over, and before I began to gag, I extracted myself and exited stage left.

I admit, most of my experiences on various back couches have been fun, but that's the experience that taught me to be a bit more cautious before diving onto the couch. Besides, tragedy is often funnier than comedy. Even if it is a bit gross.

Which brings me to the moral of today's disjointed entry. Every single man should carry with him always: condoms and a full Listerine PocketPak. You never know when either of them could turn tragedy into comedy again.

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane

* posted by me at 2:38 AM

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2006-08-17 
 

muppet meme

There seems to be a plethora of blog entries about muppets lately...at least in my corner of the blogosphere. Thought of trying to start up a meme around that, but then I thought that might be just a bit too involved for this evening. So I did a quick google and found:

You Are Rowlf the Dog

Mellow and serious, you enjoy time alone cultivating your talents. You're a cool dog, and you always present a relaxed vibe. A talented pianist, you can play almost anything - especially songs by Beethoven. "My bark is worse than my bite, and my piano playing beats 'em both."

The Muppet Personality Test

I'm no Heifetz, but I get by.

Labels: memes

* posted by me at 8:42 PM

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2006-08-16 
 

that guy

I don’t know what’s more frightening:

Realizing that I can do a convincing impersonation of that guy. You know, the guy who easily makes meaningless conversation in hallways and elevators with people.

or

Realizing that I'm happy to act like that guy because he helps me gather a nice paycheck at the end of the week and these are the conversations which grease the wheels that keep business turning.

Exciting conversations like:

Me: Hey.
Them: Hey.
M: How’s it going?
T: Oh, you know, it’s only Tuesday.
M: Right you are! But at least it isn’t Monday!
T: Too true!

or

T: Hey.
M: Hey, what about the crazy color blue they painted the halls!
T: I know! Makes me feel like I’m living inside an aquarium.
M: Right you are! But it least it isn’t gumball pink!
T: Too true!

Etc.

Ad Nauseum.

Labels: dose of mikey, sharketing

* posted by me at 8:32 PM

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2006-08-12 
 

more me me

I've bumped into/been sent several different memes over the past few days and figure it's an easy way to refresh the page. (I've mixed and matched the questions to suit my mood.)

How tall are you barefoot?
5' 10"(ish)

Have you ever been cheated on?
In life or in love? Either way the answer's yes. (both happened long ago, you learn from these things or you're doomed to repeat them)

Do you own a gun?
Does a glue gun count? A water gun? Even so, the answer's still no.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, big pink beasts that they are.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Probably, though I'd rather skydive again. It seems safer somehow.

What do you think of hot dogs?
Best food to eat at 4 a.m. in NYC. (Gray's Papaya of course.)

What's your favorite Christmas song?
It's a toss up between Carol of the Bells and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Inability to accept my body as it is.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Mark

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
COFFEE!

Have you ever done ecstasy?
Yes. First time was the most amazing experience. The subsequent times, not so great Â? thatÂ?s why I stopped. (my answer is the same as Michael's, so I kept it)

Do you have a boyfriend?
No, but I have a husband, regardless of what the government says.

Do you own a knife?
Other than a kitchen knife? Sure, there's a couple pocket knives with the camping gear and also a ceremonial athame. (though the latter's pretty dull to be considered a knife)

What do you smell like?
Right now? Before a shower? You don't want to know.

Full initials?
MCS

Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
What?
Oh, that was a stupid thought.
I wonder what Jen will think of this?

Name the last 3 things you have bought today.
Too early for today, so I'll tell you the last 3 from yesterday. Curry, Frankincense and Macaroni Noodles.

Name five drinks you regularly drink.
Water, Coffee, Ice Tea, Red Wine...Hmmm...Diet Coke fell off the list after Tara's Tale of Terror and hasn't been replaced yet.

LAST THING YOU ATE?
This scrumptious Settler's Pie G made for breakfast. (with the curry)

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The wind outside and the music box G's playing with on his computer

FAVORITE SONG?
Night Swimming by REM (There's actually a few answers to this question depending on my mood, but Jen's answer works for me right now, so I'm keeping it.)

Current worry?
Being in debt.

Current hate?
Having to be an adult to get out of debt.

Where would you want to go?
Lot's of places, but Australia's been on my mind for a while now.

Do you own slippers?
Several pairs, but G usually has to remind me to put 'em on.

Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I pray, where ever it may be, that G's still there to remind me about the slippers.

Do you burn or tan?
If I remember to use sunblock 6000, I tan.

Yellow or Blue?
Blue. Most definitely.

Would you give up your current life to be a pirate?
Well, not the traditional bloodthirsty rape-and-pillage type, but I'd think about the postmodern sail-around-the-world-on-your-fully-equipped-yacht type...if I had the money to own a fully equipped yacht. Arrrg.

Last time your cell rang?
Well, it didn't ring, but I suddenly had a voicemail last night. It was Samuel Jackson telling me to get my mother-f'n self out to see Snakes on a Plane. Still not sure who sent it to me, but it was hilarious.

What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Aliens. Which explains why E.T. freaked me out so much.

What do you have in your pocket right now?
I still haven't showered, remember? Who sleeps with things in their pocket?

Last thing that made you laugh?
The crossword G and I were doing earlier.

Favorite bed sheets as a child?
The Sunday Comic bedsheets from Cape Cod that Mark thankfully saved before the sale.

Worst injury you've ever had?
Ummm...does needing a colonosopy to remove a tumor count? That was pretty nasty.

Who is your loudest friend?
Probably Kerri or Becca or Jen or Paula or Shay. I've had quite a few loud women in my life and I miss them all madly!

Who is your most silent friend?
Brian (but once he starts talking he's also the funniest person I know)

Does someone have a crush on you?
I think that someone at work has a small one. She's known from day one that it's hopeless, but if it didn't hurt a bit, they wouldn't call it a crush. (shout out to Chris for the profundity that is 16 Candles.)

Do you wish on stars?
Sure, it's like the lottery, you won't win if you don't play.

Do you believe in magic?
I believe the universe is way more mysterious than any of us has yet figured out.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Just one? I had a whole mix tape for this once. REM's End of the World, Peter Gabriel's Salisbury Hill, etc.

What were you doing 12AM last night?
Watching this DVD G got about a colonial midwife...appropriately titled, A Midwife's Tale. Very interesting and a pretty amazing lead actress too.

WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Sid Meier's Civilization IV guide (yes, this is an instruction manual, but it's a BIG one)
Ian Philips' See Dick Deconstruct
Paul Mandelbaum's collection First Words
Stephen Baxter's Coalescent
Oh, and a shout out to little E, I just finished A Cricket in Times Square

So, that's where my head's at. If you'd like to spend a while being introspective, consider yourself tagged.

Labels: memes

* posted by me at 3:54 PM

(1) comments



2006-08-05 
 

secrets under the bed

Dust. More Dust. We're moving the bedroom around for the first time since moving in three years ago. I've managed to consolidate several shoeboxes that have hidden under the bed for quite some time. One held hundreds of slips of paper; each one a random thought I had jotted down. It's fun to try to figure out what I was thinking.

Sometimes it's a vauge statment:
The world is now full of madness as the ancients forsaw. (1996)

Sometimes it's personal:
I often wonder, would my death bring a sigh of regret or one of relief? Then I realize that I really don't care, as long as there's a sigh, and not a shrug of indifference. (November 22, 1994)

Sometimes it's a cool title, or an idea...or both:
SURVIVING ATLANTIS - San Francisco almost completely sinks into the sea after the big quake and this is the tale of a rag tag batch of survivors who make it back to civilization. (Comdedy/Action-Adventure with a Gilliganesque type of cast - A Drag Queen, Lesbians Two, A Gym Rat and His Husband, A Computer Geek, The Republican and Mary Ann...etc.) (1998)

Sure, there's been earthquake movies before, but have they been funny? (Well, to be clear, have they been intentionally funny?) Besides, that title kicks ass.

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane

* posted by me at 11:40 PM

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