2008-06-01 
 

in need of a good manicure

Gram had a psychotic episode this morning. I guess this isn't uncommon for someone with Alzheimer's, but it is unusual for someone at her stage of the disease and at that particular time of day. (She, like many patients, seems to be less herself as the day goes on.)

Right now we're not even sure if it's really the Alzheimer's or some reaction to her meds or something else that changed in her environment. I wasn't there to witness it, but she became very distraught and paranoid. Having convinced herself that the staff was trying to kill her, she fought them hard enough to to tear her blouse in the struggle.

To think of my grandmother, a woman known for her fastidiousness, to be fighting that hard scares me. Fuzzy as she was last weekend when we had her over for Memorial Day, she still showed concern that one her nails were in need of a good manicure and always checks (and rechecks) to make sure her clothes are fitting correctly.

She seems back to normal again...or as normal as she gets these days, but it saddens me to see her losing a grip on what the rest of us accept as reality. I can live with her different view of the world around us when she's happy with it. It's this sort of rare instance when she gets angry or scared herself that I have a hard time dealing with it. It scares me to know she's becoming frightened, and I'll own that this is for purely selfish reasons. What if that ends up happening to my dad and I have to take care of him the way he's taking care of Gram today? What if that happens to G? ...what if it happens to me and I have to actually trust someone else to take care of me? Will I be strong enough and smart enough to make the right decisions when it's my turn? Will I let others help me when they have to?

Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Labels: dose of mikey

* posted by me at 3:24 PM

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