just a note

What you're reading here is actually a transcript from a diary I kept of my life in the latter part of 1995. (As much as I might wish it at times, I'm not some trendsetter who started to blog before Al Gore invented the internet.)

I thought it would be interesting to view an exciting time in my life with eyes that have become more focused since I lived through it. Pure transcription coupled with the passage of time also allows a more brutal honesty than usual. I often hold back in current entries either out of respect for the other's I'm bloggin about (or fear of having some prospective employer read it and think I'm an ass.)

Memories take on a golden hue with the passage of years - even the sad ones....and those prospective employers will hopefully forgive the whole truth as the folly of youth. The hardest part becomes leaving the text as I originally wrote it. My inner editor cringes at my use of certain words or phrases, and I've also noticed a subconscious tendency to correct punctuation as I transcribe. I'm trying to thwart it, but can't be sure I'll catch myself every time.

I wrote this all down in a journal my mother gave me. Inside, on the title page, she wrote, "Michael's Incredible Adventure". It was a big title to live up to, and for the most part the entries aren't all that exciting, but the experiences themselves were some of the most exciting I'd ever lived. I'll add in editorial comments where appropriate for a review of where I was in my personal evolution and to put otherwise vague comments into context.

One last thing: the thoughts and feelings following are unadultered by the cushion of the present. The same cushion that tends to have me tame my words and save deeper thoughts for places other than the web. If I offend those whom I wrote of, I can only say it's the truth as I saw it then...much has changed.

posted by me at 10:42 PM, August 8, 2003

Feel free to comment.

September 17, 1995

crying down the mass pike

I'm in the middle of New Jersey, deep in suburbia. M is inside the house behind me at her friend Andrea's baby shower. She will be coming out at 5 and we'll head south to D.C. The past few days have been pretty intense - I'll take them in the order that they came...



Thursday: After 2 1/2 hours of sleep (due to my procrastination as far as packing was concerned) I headed into Boston to take care of some last minute work stuff and have lunch with Viggy. Thursday evening Mom and dad took me to Bella's for our last communal dining experience. Later, I made a final Bickfords run with J, C, Buddah and my red headed sister. Very sad. I spent the rest of the night (until sunrise) finishing up with my packing. Woke up 3 hours later and had tuna fish sandwiches with mom. (My last garden tomatoes for a long time) Then Mom and Dad helped me load up the car...and then it was time to go. I think Dad is taking this harder than he thought he might, but it could also be due to the fact that the doctors just found a malignant tumor in Grampa's lung.

There was a lot of emotion bouncing around. I gave them both big, long hugs; hopped into Zip and drove off. (and proceeded to cry all the way to...and then halfway down the Mass Pike.) It didn't help that I popped in the Always Remember, Never Forget mix as soon as I hit the expressway. I don't know what I'm going to do without everybody.



Stopped for a late lunch/early dinner in Northampton with Barbie in a little Mexican place frequented a few days before by David Bowie!!! Then it was off to Spring Valley, New York where a very tired camper gratefully fell onto the pull out couch provided by M and Jules. Eight hours later, (for the first time in ages) I slowly rolled out of sleep. On Saturday M and I headed into New York City.

"We're going to New York City! We're going to New York City!

Met the Dontist at the top of the steps to the Met and spent a pleasant afternoon/evening with him walking to Madison Square Garden, stopping for a coffee and then seeing his grad school digs. Small, but just as immaculate as we have come to expect from him.

He seems pretty excited about the whole dentist thing and the city living. Maybe it'll help him deal with everything better being in such and urban area...he's minutes from the east village...and Chelsea.

That night we went to dinner with Jules and his brother. Jules, I'm finding, is a great guy and he treats M like a queen. (and she's pretty fond of him too.) I'm glad she's found someone who'd making her happy. Jule's brother was sort of conservative/geeky and I wanted to give him an Act Up sort of shock since he seemed to take a shine to me, but kept everything low key. It's just not polite to bruise the sensibilities of your host...at least not until after you're about to leave - but then I didn't see him this morning. Which brings me to the present moment. More later, after we've trekked down to our nation's capital!

I certainly wasn't as comfortable in my skin back then. Today, I would've been out clubbing with the Dontist and flamed out on Mr. Conservative brother. Ah well, at the time it all seemed too radical a step to take.

September 21, 1995

in god's country

Well, we're in the Cricket Motel in Greenville, SC and it's a bit scary, but we'll get by. I just hope that Zip will be ok for the night. He's sitting in a rather sketchy parking lot full of just about all of my worldly possessions.



D.C. was incredible! Lori is a super hostess....Sunday night we arrived at her townhouse (a very nice basement apartment), went out for a burger and a nice chat. Monday we did the National Air and space museum. My inner geek loved this much more than he'd admit at the time. Next we went up capital hill to see congress in action, but it was already 4pm so they were all in offices or at one of the many local eateries. (all fully licensed of course) We met Lori at the Tyber Creek Pub for a half yard of beer (only $4.50!) Then it was back to her place for Melrose Place. Later on she took us for a late night car tour of the city.

Tuesday we found a great place in Bethesda for breakfast and went in to the city to ride up the Washington Monument. Korean Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, Lincoln Monument....the history and emotions evoked in D.C. are almost oppressive. I found myself lost in awe many a time - forced to just stand still and let it wash over me. We stopped at the White House visitor center and saw a great video about the history. When we actually physically saw it on Wednesday morning it seemed somehow smaller than I thought, yet still very impressive nonetheless. (Peole LIVE there!)

Tuesday night we met M's friend Joel from Belgium. He made us a delicious dinner and regaled us with fabulous stories. "I'm leaving you my passport, my credit cards, my id, and all my money,...epilepsy medicine, insulin, etc."    :)
I have no memory of why exactly the story he told was so funny, but I do remember having a minor crush on the man telling it...and the fact that I liked the color scheme of his apartment so much that I later took it for my own in my first SF studio.

Lori took Wednesday off, so after The White House we toured the Museum of American History. (Archie Bunker's chair, a great section on computer history and...of course...the First Ladies' exhibit.) Had an early dinner at Planet Hollywood, met Mish and T for a drink and still managed to make it home for the hundredth episode of Melrose. (We really are pitiful in our addiction to that show.) Seriously though, DC needs much more than three days.
Tim was the first man I ever kissed. It was during a game of Truth or Dare shortly after college. I'd also kissed Mish for that matter, but the electricity I felt when the stubble on T's face first brushed against my lips and our tongues intertwined will stay with me forever. It was the first time I knew for sure that the conservatives were wrong and that what I felt for other men was actually completely natural. It's pleasantly ironic that it happened with a man who was one of my first college friends to get married...although I've just learned from M that he's recently seperated.



Left early this morning and drove, drove, drove. (Virginia is BIG!) The Skyline Drive was beautiful, but it was a bit too hazy to see much. We later detoured a bit to see "The Natural Bridge" - One of the seven wonders of the natural world, but it costs $8 each to have a van shuttle you there and back, so we made do with postcards in the store by the gate. We tried to peek out the back, but could see nothing. They're very protective of their natural bridge. (No dough, no show.)

We got into the motel in time to see the premier of Friends. (Boy, we are shackled to that box! McLuhan was right...or was it Karl Marx? I should read more.) Tomorrow it's up and off to Atlanta. (I do hope Zip is all in one piece in the a.m.!)

Random Quote of the Day: "In God's country, AC/DC is alternative music."

Karl Marx said,"Religion is the opiate of the masses." and McLuhan's famous for his theories on mass media. I like to think I knew all this at the time, and was being postmodern by combining the two men myself, but it's more likely that I was paraphrasing Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy song 'Television, Drug of a Nation' in my head and became confused with who to attribute it to.
All that being said, the random quote of the day still cracks me up. Thanks M!

September 22, 1995

back in the closet



Left Greenville, NC & The Cricket Motel early this morning. Zip was safe. (thank god) Had breakfast right outside Clemson in a Cracker Barrel. My first encounter with grits. Not too yummy, but they had to be tried. The rest of the breakfast was scrumptious. Dropped M off at her brother John's place and headed south to Warner Robbins. I'm truly going to miss my copilot, the trip ahead seems suddenly a bit longer.

Uncle Bob met me at the local McDonalds and gave me a tour of the town. It's much bigger than I imagined it would be! The air force base is huge and they even have a Museum there that I wish we had more time for. He walked me through it in about an hour, but I'd really need a full day to see it in detail. Stopped by his house for a quick tour (Aunt Mary's quite sick right now) We drove back to McDonalds to pick up my car, and I followed him to C and L's house. Wow! It's a huge place, in a gorgeous neighborhood and on a large piece of land. beautiful. The baby, G.A.B. is cute as...a baby. (all babies are cute) He's still much too young to really look like any family member. (Leslie says he looks like Cliff, but I think he looks like a baby...cute.)
Looking back on this comment, I can't imagine myself making such a remark. I've taught myself since then to look for something in a baby's features to compare favorably with one of the parents. It makes people happy.
Went to the country club for a fancy dinner...I'm really feeling spoiled. Later it was back to C and L's for a much needed rest. No alarm clock and no windows so I hope I don't sleep in too late.

Note: It's pretty scary how easily I slipped back into the closet, managing to steer clear of conversational road hazards and what not. It's a good thing Uncle B likes to talk about himself! But in retrospect, would a night in a motel have been so awful if things hadn't worked out. (or rather, if I had stayed out and then been dismissed?) Whose life is made easier? Mine or theirs?

I've got to remember to get the camera out tomorrow to take pictures of the baby and the house for the folks back home.

So odd to hear the me I was talking in my head as I type these out...and a bit embarrasing at the same time. At the same time I'm proud of the guy. Maybe he didn't have the cahones back then to take the chance that a nice country club dinner would be snatched from under his nose, but at least he recognized the fact that he wasn't being his true self. Hey to all you chortling out there in computer land, I suppressed for almost two decades. This was progress!

September 23, 1995

beautiful country



Well, we do live in a beautiful country! Started the day off with a big sausage and cheese casserole breakfast courtesy of Aunt Mary, who is feeling much better. I've had a good time with the GA crew. About one o'clock, Bob led me to route 96 and I headed off. First long ride by myself, so I listened to Douglas Coupland's Microserfs book-on-tape to pass the time. It left out a bit more than I thought it would, but it was wtill quite good.

The land down here is so pretty and different from back home. So much kudzu! Many little rivers and wetlands. It rained for half the trip, but I enjoyed it none-the-less. Got into Gulfport, Mississippi at 7:30 and decreed an evening of beauty. (Time to clean up the sideburns) Wrote a mess of postcards and a letter to Mom and Dad. Between that and all the driving, I feel like I accomplished alot today. Tomorrow its on to New Orleans and dinner with young Uncle Bob.

Thought for the day: I have much stuff. (not sure if it's too much though) :)

Interesting thing here is that what I remember of this day looking back wasn't Matthew Perry reading Microserfs, but a low level nervousness that some good old boy cop right out of Dukes of Hazard would pull me over for speeding. (Something Bob or Cliff had said made me think my MA license plates would act as a beacon.)

I also remember Alabama...and not liking it too much. In fact, when I tell the tale of my cross country trip, I often mention the spooky McDonalds I stopped at. It was only a short way off of the interstate, but frequented mostly by locals. The 10-12 people eating at various tables got suddenly quiet when I walked in. Facing the counter it looked like any generic fast food place; I could've been anywhere in the US. Glancing over my shoulder as I waited for my order, everyone was talking in low voices and glancing over at me. As I walked out, a man gave me an almost imperceptible nod, but I didn't acknowledge anything as I was pretty freaked out. The noise level went up the moment the door closed behind me. Looking back, I figure I ended up in some town hangout where they were respectful of "foreigners" and the small amount of cash flow my burger and shake would bring to the local economy. I mean it really wasn't that far from the highway, and I'm sure I wasn't the first non-local to walk through that restaurant's golden arches.

At this point in life, I hadn't yet become conscious of the fact that the timidity that sneaks up on me from time to time colours my perception of those around me.

September 24 , 1995

intro to new orleans



Well, it's 6:30 and I'm sitting in Zip waiting for 8 o'clock when Young Uncle B comes. (Theres' a mall attached to the hotel, but I would choose to come on a Sunday when it closes at 6.)

But it wasn't a boring day! Within 5 minutes of walking into the hotel when I first got here, someone tried to pick me up! he followed me around the mall, but I really wasn't into it. (Let's be honest, he was a little too old and a little too pudgy.) Lost him and asked a friendly stylist in the mall what there was to do in new Orleans on a Sunday and he directed me to Bourbon Street in the French Quarter. Ooh la la!

Total sensory overload! I passed through some gay festival thing and was tempted to stop for a beer, but was feeling sweaty and gross. (and, in all honesty, worried that stopping might "distract" me from getting back to the hotel in time.) If I wasn't staying with Y. Uncle B. I might have to go back later tonight. I definately want to come back here someday with friends so that I can truly DO Bourbon Street. (Drinks - everywhere. People - everywhere.) I kept passing little groups of children who were tap dancing for tips. They stick bottle caps to their sneakers or something like that. Some of them couldn't be more than five or six years old, and I don't know if this is sad or not. Mexican kids selling chicklets with no shoes on or a New Orleans version of the lemonade stand? Perhaps more of the former, but I'll ask someone to find out for sure.

On another note...I feel as if Zip is becoming an extension of myself, almost the way glasses become part of your body if you've worn them for a long time. She told me her secret name last night as we drove across Mississsippi. Sabrina. imagine my suprise...Zip is a girl?! (sorry, that's Zabrina)

LATER: Went to hotel bar to wait for YUB and ran my first tab. (Yippee!?) Went into French Quarter for dinner at Gumbos and had...the chicken gumbo. Spicey, but yummy. Bourbon Street sure was hopping when we walked back! Maybe I'll check it out tomorrow night.

WOW! This last entry was quite odd. Where to start? OK, first off, the irony of the "old, pudgy man" is that my 25 year old self was describing someone quite like the 33 year old who's typing this in tonight. I can also (from this older, pudgier place) comfortably own the fact that I was horny as a mayfly at this point in my journey...and I must've been sending it out a signal to any interested guys out there. The badly lit photo was taken by the stylist I mention, and I can see in retrospect what I missed. Had I been a bit more bold, he would've happily taken me to Bourbon street himself. There was also a bartender and several random tourists who I could easily have taken for a spin...but I was still playing by the old rulebook and being a prude for fear of enjoying myself too much.

Just to clear up any confustion: "mexican kids selling chicklets" is a rather obscure reference to See How We Are by X, For some reason that song of there's gets stuck in my head to this day.

I also need to let everyone know that Zip returned fully to his little boy persona after I landed in San Francisco. I'm still pondering that comment about Zip's anima revealing herself to me. The car does become a womb of sorts when you're crossing the country. Maybe I was subconsciously thinking of her as a surrogate mother while I was on the road?

September 25, 1995

the trouble with baseball caps

Walked thorugh the Garden District today - Beautiful! Mom would love it. Took the streetcar down St. Charles to Canal Street and walked down Bourban to St. Ann's and the Parade Bar. Had a drink and met a nice guy (cute too!) who's originally from Cambridge and then San Diego and now lives here. His name is JT. Made a date to meet him at Friends Bar at 9:30 tonight. Went back to hotel to meet up with YUB for dinner, but he was with a bunch of work people and the talk was way over my head. (unions, benefits, etc.) I feel sort of bad, but I wasn't into a dinner of shop talk and didn't want him to feel he had to entertain me, so when they went to get a cab for the Graden District, I excused myself to take a nap. Probably for the best since I tired myself out his morning walking to the district. (it looked so much closer on the maps!)
Yah, nap, that's why I skipped dinner. My ability to rationalize any act never ceases to amaze me.

It's a little bit funny when reading the above to realize that I skipped all the details of my day in the Garden District; the grand homes, the funny couple I met from Toledo who asked me to take their picture in front of a street sign so they'd remember where they were when they had their first argument of their marriage (They were giggling about the whole thing, and gave me good advice about where to go for a cheap but tasty lunch), the distinguished woman who gave me a quick tutorial of the streetcar system in a thick southern accent that flowed into my ears like warm honey. All that and more, but I dismiss it with two sentences and get right down to listing out the directions to the nearest bar.

Oh! Lest I forget to mention it...I had my first official Po-Boy for lunch. It' slike a sub with reagged roast beef and gravy and toppings. Looked like a soggy mess you'd get if you dumped thin gravy over a heated up Store 24 sub sandwich, but it was DELICIOUS. Well, more to be written, but (hopefully) not until tomorrow morning.

Ah yes, food and sex. What more does the 25 year old male need for a happy life? I'm glad of where I've come since then, but a part of me wishes I could have it back, not forever, but just long enough to truly enjoy it. Oh wow, now I sound REALLY old. I'm going to shut up and let the kid tell you the rest.

Well, it's. tomorrow morning, so technically I should put a 9-26 on top of this note, but that's not necessary now. Last night was...interesting. Too many times have I picked too soon! The bartender at Good Friends was CUTE. He was giving me the eye, but I, begin a polite person, watied for JT. He showed up shortly after 9:30. Nice guy, I got laid. (i'm really begining to see the diffenece between sex, making love and fucking. This was definitely just sex.)

Question for the day: Why is it that I've never had a problem with beer goggles, but baseball caps throw me for a loop?

I don't like remembering what a little snot I could be. Not because I skipped dinner, but because I lied my way out of it. YUB would've understood if I'd been honest about my motivations for wanting to be elsewhere. I'm sure he wasn't too surprised when I didn't get back into the city until the next morning. Which reminds me. I learned two lessons that night: Baseball caps often make guys seem much cuter and YOUNGER than they are & Never agree to a date before determining that you can afford return cab fare when you want to escape. JT it turned out was 38 years old and lived out in the suburbs.

September 26, 1995

living large


Houston, Texas. The land of the large - or so they say. Started out this morning attempting to nap but ended up watching hotel cable. YUB came up at lunch break (12:30ish) and helped me get my stuff to the car and I took off. Weird food experience during the ride with some Teryaki jerky which tasted like what I imagine salted/smoked fish would taste like. Not too pleasant, but I was too hungry to care.

Texas is FLAT. On a more interesting note: many of the roads in Louisiana traverse swampland and old rivers. This means I spent a lot of time on flat bridge type structures as if the whole state was under a few feet of water. Wild!

Got into Houston about 7 and went out to dinner with Andy and his roommate Hunter They're like a comedy team together. One could almost guess that they were married. (H. is surprisingly straight in in a Gregg C. sort of way.) They are definitely suited as roommates. The third roommate, Tom, came in for about 10 minutes and left. A ghostly character who, from the way the other two talk, wants to be cool like them. (my observation, not theirs. I don't think they realize how in awe of them Tom seems.)

Gregg C. was a soft spoken coworker I'd known who might be dubbed a metrosexual in today's terms. The fact that I mentioned the similarity points to the fact that I found H. rather attractive but wanted to avoid making a fool of myself.

With all the Simpson/Seinfeld references flying around, I got a bit homesick for a simple evening at Bickfords with the bunch. We may draw from different sources, but the insider feel of it is the same. It's like my urge yesterday to call J&C and say, "Friendly men in this town!" I've got to find J's 800 number so I can call her on Thursday morning for an update. It'll have been two whole weeks! O.K. enough of this or I'll start getting all maudlin.

Random thought for the day: America IS Beautiful.

The "Friendly men" quote is from Big Business. A movie that J&C and I could quote from at length from after repeated viewings.

September 27, 1995

into the woods

I'm at a Texaco station in Big Spring, Texas. it's 9:45p.m. and I'm raring to go, so I'm gonna. Started out early with Andy for a tour of Rice and Houston. Rice has a very nice campus. it was cool to have Andy's running commentary on the architecture. He gave me some ideas of what to do in Santa Fe and I was on my way.



Beautiful country. I decided to go "into the woods" - that is: off of the AAA route I've been following since leaving Weymouth. Took 71 West to 87 north. I'll pick up 27 North to I40 West and possibly hit Santa Fe by tomorrow morning. We'll see.

I had the Sondheim soundtrack with me, and it often rose to the top of the playlist during long stretches of driving.

Saw a Texas thunder and lightening storm north of San Angelo. No rain came anywhere close to me, but there was a spectacular lightshow in front of and then to the right of Zip. Fabulous!



NOTE: I am wired from a mad combo of Diet Coke and traveling! :)

September 28, 1995

middle of nowhere

Stayed at the Fabulous 40's Motel. Checked in at 3:30a.m. and woke up in the middle of nowhere. Just an ocean of flatness all around. It was hot and very dry - about 95 degrees - so I wore shorts. Two hours later when I stopped to refuel, the wind was blowing a good 40 miles per hour. The temp had dropped way down and it was raining. Very trippy. Got to Santa Fe at 1:30 and checked in to a nice motel.

I should note that the maps show Amarillo, but it was really some non-town between there and the border. I passed through Amarillo and left it pretty well behind before stopping. The motel seemed a bit ramshackle, and that late at night had an eeriness to it that seemed straight out of a horror film. To add to the creepiness, the door to my room didn't't properly lock. I propped a chair up against it and lay down on the bed, but only after pulling off the covers and pulling it slightly away from the wall. I was convinced that the various strange bugs I'd seen hiding in the cracks outside would get in and use the fabric as a ladder to climb up and join me as I slept. I also turned the lights back on and kept them lit as I could've sworn someone came and rattled the doorknob when I first shut them off. In retrospect, it was probably just the wind, but my young heart pounded in my chest. As scared as I was, I felt truly brave for one of the first times in my life. I was doing all this on my own!


The weather in Santa Fe is odd. It became suddenly sunny again, but still cool. I drove around the city for I bit. i keep feeling as if I've stepped into some movieland setting only it's a real place. Pictures could never show what you see when you're actually here. I'm very tired tonight and not much into writing. In fact, it's making me itch, so I'm stopping now

Thought: I'm developing a strange affinity towards Texaco stations. photographically and otherwise.

October 1, 1995

reunion




Got into Boulder at 7 on Friday. FABULOUS WEEKEND! Friday night I hung out at the house with Mike and his house mates. drank lots of beer and got stoned. Saturday, Mike took me on a tour of the local scenery. Colorado is incredibly beautiful. Mike has mountains in his front yard! Saturday night was more partying. Got to know Kim, a great person. Then we went to a local bar and observed the human condition.

Retyping this entry had me in fits of giggles. Partially because I was remembering a rather fun weekend full of altered states and conversation, but also because of the knowledge that time bestows. The Mike in the entry was my college roommate. A really great guy who, when I came out to him, sent me a congratulations card. He's happily married now and living back in New Hampshire. We rarely talk, but visiting him was one of the high points of a trip that was already full of highs. (no pun intended there, but appropriate that it took place in the Rockies)




I left this morning at 11:30 and headed across the Rockies. Took a little detour for better scenery (totally worth it!) It took me over Independence Pass. (12,000 feet) A beautiful ride all the way.



I'm now in Salina, Utah at a Best Western. Tomorrow I'll head towards the Grand Canyon!

Thought: Mountain driving is very trippy. I keep having to encourage the car to go up the inclines because they're so steep!

For the next four days I immersed myself in the dusty spaces and grand scenery of the Southwest and felt, perhaps for the first time in my life, truly alone. A feeling that was brought into sharp relief when contrasted with the social weekend I'd just had. In retrospect, I'm quite glad that cell phones weren't as ubiquitous as they are today. It was lonely, but it was cleansing and empowering.

October 3, 1995

on the way to the south rim




October 3, 1995 Detours are becoming a way of life. It's 8A.M. and I'm on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, but first things first...

Came down 89 and saw Bryce Canyon and Red Canyon. Beautiful. Picture's won't show and word's cannot relate the wonder that these places brought to me. The only solution is to physically place someone in them. For some reason, i felt very homesick - not in the sense of missing home, but the people. i wish I had someone (or two) to share this with. Lots of couples from all over the world frequent these places and it reminds me that I'm alone. (I'd settle for a good friend.)

I'm making a note here because. Well because there's quite a few pictures I want to post to the right hand side and not enough space to do it in if I don't type some more thoughts over here on the left hand side.

My entries at this point get a bit short and often have a day or two in between them. I'd completely forgotten my joy at discovering that a place called Fairyland Canyon existed. Cracked myself up to send certain friends a postcard from there!

Also forgot about the Bubonic Plague. Odd that. Would think that would be something that would stick in one's mind.

And the random arch that I got to drive through. How fun was that? (Okay, have I filled up enough space reminiscing about this section of the trip that I captured not in words, but instead with a cheap disposable camera?)

Oh well, I guess you'll just have to scroll down a bit in order to get to the latter portion of this particular entry.






















I've got to come back to the Grand Canyon (et.al.) with someone who likes to hike. (Casually, no hardcore hikers need apply - unless you're setting up the tent.)

Interesting to note that G visited the Grand Canyon about two months before meeting me...and did the hardcore hike-down-into-Supai-with-everything-in-his-backpack trail.

While the furthest Southwest we've gone together is Vegas, he did end up being the one who got me to enjoy camping...and I even help set up the tent now! I'm very interested to see how different our trip back across the country will be in comparison to my original trip out to San Francisco. Not just because there may be some camping involved, but also because it'll be nice to experience it all with someone.


Anyway, I then headed to the North Rim to catch the sunset. Once again, I'm not even going to try to explain. Words just won't do it.

Some awful construction on the road to (and from) the North Rim. On the way out it was dark and extra hairy. Especially since there were so many deer playing in the road. These were actually a plus...aside from the fact that i had to keep braking suddenly.



On a whim, I decided to drive to the South rim instead of Lake Powell. got into the area around midnight and found parking at Pima Point. (I don't think you're supposed to park at the overlooks overnight, but the motels around here are ridiculous price wise. So I spent a fitful night in Zip. Note to self: Next time I sleep in Zip, it will be without all my worldly possession taking up all the room...no space to spread out.

Regardless, it was worth it.
#1 The Stars. I saw more stars last night than in years of stargazing...and shooting stars too! (okay, meteors)
#2 The Dawn. Watching the Canyon light up is awesome in the original sense of the word. So here I sit hungry, ready to treat myself to a real breakfast for the first time in a few days.

Oh yes! #3 I got to pee into the Grand Canyon! (I'm such a goober.)

Errrmmm. Um...well, that was coded. Not sure why I felt that a journal entry needed to be coded, but perhaps my solitude was making me a bit paranoid. The fact is that while I probably did pee into the Canyon at some point that evening, the memory I was coding for myself was, well, let's just say I attempted to impregnate Mother Earth that night. (I was enough into mysticism at the time that you can take that last statement at face value. Honestly? It was one of the best orgasms ever. I mean you can stand pretty safely right at the edge...hmmm, over a decade later and I still get a bit of a pleasurable shiver remembering it.)

October 3, 1995 - Later

incredibly beautiful and beautifully incredible




Took the time to visit a bunch of the South Rim overlooks. Totally worth it. Each new view seemed more incredible than the last. On the way to Page and Lake Powell, I detoured back to Marble/Vermillion Canyon to see them during the day...also beautiful.

By the way, driving back along the South Rim today during daylight, I suddenly realized just how close to the edge I was last night. Eeek!

A quick note to reinforce something I'd said back when beginning this project. Transcribing some of these entries is a bit painful. I want to remain true to the writer I was at 25, but if I use the words incredible or beautiful to describe one more sight... Nice to know I've improved enough to notice these things now, but I'm not so improved to avoid this aside. A small pat on the back here for myself. It's hard not editing anything more than format and spelling. (Okay, I'll fess up. I have deleted a few "Anyways" as well, but other than that this all remains as it was when pen originally wrote on paper.)


Talked to Ann once I got into the hotel. The apartment's mine at least until the end of November, if I want it.

Thought: I have to stop second guessing myself. When you second guess yourself all the time you end up forgetting to have fun doing whatever it is that you chose to do.

Story Exposition:Picture of two kids sitting precariously close to edge of canyon as analogy to one of their present life situations.

Also, Navaho Nation Utopia

What? Hmm. Didn't end up writing even the beginning of either of those tales. (Although, to be fair, I remember the first being more an idea for the picture of a book cover than anything else. That second one though sounds fascinating. Wish I could remember exactly what I meant by it.

Would like to take the opportunity here to mention that I did go out onto Lake Powell on a lovely boat ride and had my picture taken by a fresh young couple who were on their honeymoon from, if I remember correctly, Ohio. I bought a sandwich on the boat and wanted very much to enjoy myself more than I was. I felt rather sad. While quite a few people do pass through the Southwest, the land has a way of erasing their presence that made me feel as if I was alone in the world. The absence of any good size towns during this time probably didn't help much.

Don't get me wrong, I was enjoying myself and the scenery. Stopping on a bridge that crossed the Colorado river, I purchased a ring from a Navaho roadside sale that remains special to me today because of the memories I associate with it.

I'm sure when I go back there with Greg we'll have the most wonderful time, but at this point in my journey the vastness of my surroundings and scarcity of people to connect with had started to get to me. I say this all to prepare you for the silliness that is the next entry.

October 4, 1995


jewel of the desert





I'm writing this now because later I may not be willing or able to do so.

Jewel of the Desert! City of Light and Life! I had immersed myself in so much nature that I'd forgotten how wonderful civilization could be.

I felt the power come to me as I descended from the darkness into the glittering pool that is Vegas at night. took deep breaths to fill my lungs with the air of millions of people. Civilization: it's gaudy and not quite real...I love it! Lake Powell and Zion were beautiful beyond words. (Maybe it says something that I can babble so much about this city.) Well, I'm off to explore.

Thought: It's that time of year again... I wonder what's going to happen this time? Or is it already happening...

I've been to Vegas several times since that first trip. It's never failed in its ability to give me a fun time. Some people hate Vegas because of the gaudy fakeness, but that's exactly why I love it. Even when it's copying some other place, be it Paris or New York, it never goes so far as to pretend it's something other than Vegas.

Also should explain that the first weeks in October usually hold something pretty momentous for me. Loss of virginity. (both times) Move to California. Meeting G. Move back to Massachusetts. Sure, there was a bit of planning in some of the examples I've mentioned, but I still believe good things come in October.

October 6, 1995


pea soup inn



Well, I'm in the Anderson Pea Soup inn. (It's a Best Western in Buelton, CA.) Life sure is odd.

Vegas: Lost 25 bucks in quarters over a two hour period that night. (but it was fun) Then went to my room and pay-per-viewed Batman Forever. Not so good. Next morning I realized I had a coupon for five dollars of quarters from teh hotel, so I lost that too. :)

Left the shiny city and drove. LA was...gross. Smoggy. The freeway system was twisted. Didn't like it, but I got to see the Pacific shortly after.

I hope...

I don't know what I hope. Today's drive should be nice...tonight I'll be in San Fran!?!

Oh dear. So naive I was. Didn't realize yet that only folks from out of town call it "San Fran". We locals prefer to use SF when the use of her longer, more graceful, full name seems too timeconsuming. San Fran sounds like someplace you'd find in the central valley.


Thought: Do I really want to live at 28 Cumby if it means being surrounded by Ann's things? I really dream of a place all my own. I trust her not to abuse the situation but... But I really wanted my own space. My good friend Ann was moving in with her girlfriend. While the opportunity to crash there while I settled into the city was generous of her, at the time we were also thinking that I might just be able to transition into the new roommate at 28 Cumberland. This would mean that I wouldn't have to look for a new place, and she wouldn't have to find a place to stash the stuff that wouldn't fit over at her girlfriend's flat.

So, this would've been nice for both of us, but I was a bit conflicted. Fortunately, one of her roommates was very picky. The fact that I had a penis was the main reason she said no to the transistion though she warmed up after getting to knwo me a little. I do remember being very pleased when she said I had the calmest male energy of all the men she knew. That aside, she was also super vegan and my carnivorous habits wouldn't have fit in. That said, Ann's other roommate, Becca, became my best friend in the city and it was great having her companionship so close to me during the first month I lived there. One of the prerequisites for my first studio was that it be within easy walking distance of Becca.

October 6, 1995 - Later


journey's end




I'm here! I've got to remember to buy: Queen Size Sheets
Trash Basket
Large Kitchen Bags

CALL MASTERCARD (Baybank)

And with the ignoble shopping list, the adventure across country ends. I didn't even mention that I had lunch and a tour at Hearst Castle in San Luis Obispo. Too excited to have finally made it.

There's entries that continue on through the end of 95 that I find interesting enough to possibly transcribe at some later date, but I'll most likely do that as postdated entries. I can't remember exactly when I started typing in my Incredible Adventure, but it was at least three years ago.

For those of you who've made it all the way to the bottom, thanks for joining me! Feel free to mail comments to mycalls. It's a Gmail address...you can figure out the rest on your own and help me avoid the spambots.

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