2010-01-22 
 

in 25 words or less

So what sort of person am I? In 25 words or less?

I'm the guy who eats all the oat cereal first and then enjoys the wealth of charms left behind in the bowl.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 9:44 PM

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2008-10-06 
 

wolf at the door

G saw a coyote out in the backyard this morning. Just wandering about and sniffing at our flowers before it ran back into the woods.

Maybe it's because I'm just getting over my second weird sickness in just two weeks, but I'm hoping it's not some kind of bad omen.

EDITED TO ADD: Okay, within five minutes of my posting this, G came in from his little adventure walk. (The coyote made him curious about the woods behind the house.) While out there, he found a random twenty dollar bill waiting for him in the middle of the path. I've got to remember that omens can turn out to be good if you read them correctly.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 3:33 PM

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2008-09-07 
 

dudelyweds

The wedding has come and gone. Dude and I stayed up extra late the night before just talking and listening to some of his older songs. Not the best thing for clear eyes the next day, but wonderful thing to be able to still do with my brother. I had the redness reliever with me...along with all the hair product that Dude normally wouldn't deal with. G put it all to good use yesterday getting Dude's hair (and mine) ready to deal with the humidity.

Have I mentioned lately how grateful I am to have G in my life? He put up with me agonizing over the wedding in general (and the toast in particular) for several weeks now and didn't slap me upside the head once. Then yesterday, Mark wakes up cool as a cucumber and I'm literally shaking with nerves as we put on the tuxes. I don't think it was just the thought of having to speak in public. I had the nausea I'm used to experiencing up in front of any public speaking, but this was different. I was in a state of high agitation. Not the sort of state you want the best man to be in. Anyway G kept up a steady refrain of encouragement that everything would work out and managed to calm me down enough so that I could be there for my brother when he needed me.

About 45 minutes before the outside ceremony was supposed to start, the sky opened up and we got our first taste of Hanna. A secret part of me was happy about this. I had on four layers of tux and just stepping outside onto the front porch caused an immediate sheen of sweat to pop out on my face. A move inside would mean blissful AC. That said, I knew how important it was for both Dudette the bride and Dudette the photographer to have the ceremony outside, so I joined in with everyone who was trying to push the rain away for an hour or so. There were a lot of people actually praying, but I chose instead to try and channel Storm and push it away with my crazy mind power. The rain broke long enough for us to have the ceremony and cocktail hour/photos outside in front of the house. The Daniel Webster Estate is truly a gorgeous backdrop to have in pictures, so whether it was the prayer my X-Men like ability or some strange combination of factors, I'm very glad it worked out.

I remained pretty nervous throughout the ceremony. (I would make a lousy sentinel as I have a very hard time standing still.) Fortunately, the ring bearer was dealing with the same struggle and having someone to be an example for can be very good incentive to hang in there. I must compliment him. At eight years old, standing in place for five minutes is a struggle let alone for a full twenty. Sure, bribery may have helped a little bit, but he even came through when the minister asked him to kiss the rings...something that nobody prepped him for during the rehearsal.

An odd thing for me was that the moment the Dudelyweds turned to walk back down the aisle I stopped being nervous. As stressful as this wedding prep sometimes got over the past months, it was all very worth it. Seeing them so happy up there saying their vows made me even happier that they've finally taken this step.

So, there I am, an hour or so away from the toast and I actually felt deeply calm...even though I'd left my copy of the toast sitting on Dude's bureau and normally would've been freaking out. Turns out that Dude and I really do compliment each other. I'm feeling calm for the first time all day and he began to get agitated about how long it was taking to start the dinner. Hopefully I helped him a little bit there. I managed to snag some of the meat on a stick appetizers and a beer for him and kept him company while we waited for everyone to get their turn in front of the camera. The photos did take a pretty long time, but I'm guessing that happens a lot.

Then came the toast. It went well. I got some compliments and a few confirmations that people got teary at appropriate moments. The caterer did tell me at the end of the night that it was the best toast she'd ever heard, but I truly believe that's something she must say to "all the guys."

My original intent was to have this entry right after the wedding just be what I'd written for the toast, but I varied a bit from the original and I think it came out a bit better because of that. I hit all the main points I'd originally written out, but I'm actually very curious to see the video to figure out how just how much I ad libbed. The scary part about watching that will be realizing just how much champagne I spilled on one of the maids of honor during the whole thing. I do have a tendency to gesture with my hands when talking and that's not very wise with a full glass in my hands. It will also be interesting to see how much I was sweating during the whole thing. Humid weather plus enclosed tent makes for a squelchy atmosphere. I'm pretty sure I was looking a bit like a drowned rat in a rented suit, but pretty much everyone else was in the same boat...or swimming alongside it I guess.

The rest of the evening was great. Good food, lots of dancing and just general fun catching up with familiar people and meeting new ones. In fact, G and I have been invited up to Maine this fall and we're planning on accepting, but more on that later. Right now we're at the Dudelyweds' apartment cat sitting for them while they honeymoon far away from hurricanes in Aruba.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 6:07 PM

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2008-06-22 
 

very brief reviews

Been watching a lot of DVD movies lately, because it's cheap and cheerful. Here are some very brief reviews:

8 Women: Fantastic cast, costuming and dialogue are weighed down by unnecessary musical numbers that cause this dark comedy/murder mystery to fall flat.

2 Days in Paris: Honesty is the best way to make a relationship work. I generally like Julie Delpy, but honestly, not enough to like this movie.

Charlie Wilson's War: Surprised myself by actually liking this movie. Sure it's got the megawatt stars, but they melted into their roles quite nicely and the dialogue popped. A bit scary to realize just how true it all is. Not the covert war itself, but the way politics gets played.

Wedding Crashers: Cute at points and pretty consistently funny, but a bit too long for the amount of story being told. (This one may have suffered because I heard too many enthusiastic reviews before seeing it and had high hopes for a laugh a minute comedy with a heart.)

The Fountain: Saving the best for last. I'll be upfront and say that this will not be every one's cup of tea and not something to watch when you're looking for some simple escapism. That said, I loved it. Beautiful to watch. Emotionally moving. By the end of the movie, everything that was being communicated gelled together for me and I burst into tears. They weren't sad tears or joyful tears, but something else entirely. Tears of truth sounds a bit pompous, but it's the closest I can come to explaining the feeling. A very odd and very wonderful experience.

Labels: linkage, random review, spirit

* posted by me at 12:05 PM

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2008-06-11 
 

sudden turns

I'm watching G's flight across the U.S. The scale of the map makes it look like the pilot's taking sharp right and left hand turns, but I'm pretty sure they're more gradual than that. Either way, the turns seem to be for no apparent reason. Did they suddenly see a UFO or something?

This tidbit sounded much more amusing in my head before I typed it in, but there you go. It's been an odd day all around.

Found out for certain that someone in the family didn't OD last week as I previously thought, they committed suicide. Not someone I was close to or even knew very well, but there's no way to avoid the ripples that particular stone causes once it hits.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, spirit

* posted by me at 6:39 PM

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2008-05-22 
 

shake, shake, shake

shake, shake, shake the ketchup bottle
none will come and then alot'll

That's been stuck in my head for a while now, and it's beginning to drive me just a little bit crazy.

Seems to be an apt metaphor for my life at the moment. I put myself in charge of cleaning out my Gram's apartment now that she's moved into a nursing home. It's amazing how easily history will stick to your hands if you're not careful when handling someone else's artifacts. I'm grateful for all the help coming to me from siblings and cousins, but there's certain things I'm willingly going through on my own.

She has neatly marked boxes full of condolence cards from various funerals. Almost all are getting recycled, but I've been reading each one before sending it to the blue bin. As as if it's my duty to let the words live one last time. Random words from people who may, themselves already be dead.

My favorite great aunt's sympathy cards were all rubber banded together along with each and every notecard from the flowers people sent. Each of these notecards is marked with Gram's precise handwriting telling me who sent just the flowers and who expended the extra effort to also send a regular card along: "also sent card" or "no card, just flowers".

She was one for keeping records. There's a boxful of diaries capturing everything from her hairdresser's appointments to the fact that my cousins had egg and cheese bagels for lunch at 11:30 on July 23, 1996. To add to the oddness, these aren't full pages giving all the details for each day, but monthly calendars with all these events crammed inside the box given for that particular day. Everything written out in tiny, yet perfectly legible block letters.

There's odd things you find out when working through someone else's life. A preponderance of turtle figurines has popped up over the past month. I had no clue Gram liked the little guys so much.

And the doilies...there are doilies for days. Sure, most every one's grandmother has a doily or two hiding under the candy dish, but this goes beyond that. As the last living member of her generation in the family, she's inherited the doilies of an entire clan. They sit patiently inside a plastic supermarket bag in the corner of our bedroom just waiting for me to decide what exactly I'm going to do with them.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 1:52 PM

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2008-02-26 
 

time unravels

Went to visit Gram yesterday with G and Dude and found her much better physically than she's been since before the hospital. Her mind is still not quite connected to our time. She knows who we are, but not exactly where she is. There are moments of clarity, but then during a walk down the hallway we'll be confronted with one of the alarmed doors that keeps the patients from wandering off and she'll be surprised. "Now where did that one come from?"

She'll lose track of the date and the month as if time had stopped marching in an orderly line and lay jumbled at her feet letting her go wherever she wanted. Confusing for me, but intriguing at the same time.

It may be that I'm still struggling with the idea of her failing at all, but I'm not sure if she really belongs on the wing for severe cases. While she was incredibly muddled when they first admitted her due to a mix up with her medications, she's calm and relatively easy to be with now. Unlike the man down the hall, she isn't dropping her pants and demanding graham crackers. (When confronted with the fact that he'd dropped his pants, he shouted, "If you don't advertise, you don't get any customers!" I had to laugh.)

So, Gram's fuzzy on where and when she is, but I'm wondering just how blurred things are for her. A woman down the hall keeps shouting, "I wanna get outta here! I don't know where I am!" At one point as we were talking, Gram turned and tried to find the source of the voice. She smiled a bit and commented to me, "Maybe it's better if you don't know where you are."

This could've been a general comment on her own state of mind, or a rueful wish that she didn't know where she was either. I'm not sure which I want more for her right now.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 7:11 PM

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2008-02-20 
 

red moon

Well I froze my little toes off, but it was worth it to see the total lunar eclipse tonight. Very different seeing it here, alone in the backyard, than it was last year in San Francisco when G and I hiked over to Dolores park and watched it surrounded by crunchy folk of all strata.

G did brave the cold with me for the first part of totality wearing nothing but his robe and slippers. He must love me very much indeed. That, or he's loony.

In other news, Gram was moved over to an Alzheimer's unit in Braintree today. G and I went over to help her prepare for the trip from hospital to rehab. He's been pretty wonderful supporting me through this week. To top it off, he never really got to know his own grandparents and was only too happy to let Gram adopt him as one of her own 7 years ago. This whole experience can't be easy for him either.

Hmmm...did I mention somewhere else in this post how great he is? (Sorry, we seem to be experiencing some Valentine flashbacks this eve. This should subside shortly after which your regularly scheduled programming will resume.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, looking upward, spirit

* posted by me at 11:40 PM

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2008-02-19 
 

of baselines and other unanswerable questions

Been visiting Gram every day and helping her to eat one meal or the other. She's still not really home in her head. I mean, she's been getting fuzzy over the past year or so but right now she's still very far away.

The doctors keep asking hopefully about her baseline: how far away from her normal state of mind. This line of inquiry frustrates me. While I can rationally understand that she is one of many patients and that they don't have the frame of reference, my mind screams out at them. Of course she's not normal! Her hands are shaking and she can barely feed herself. She's not even understanding your question! Do you really think this is normal? Is this normal for anyone? (And then I fret because deep inside I'm worried about not having paid close enough attention to her state of mind before. Maybe she's closer to her baseline than I'd like to imagine. What about Christmas when she kept searching out a set of dishes that's been packed away in storage for quite some time yet. But then she didn't have the trouble eating that she does now. Didn't seem surprised to find a fork in front of her in the middle of dinner. Deep sigh. /mental rant.

No doctor, she's quite far away from her baseline.

Today at one point she started to giggle and we had this exchange:

Gram: Well look what he's wearing!
Me: Who Gram? Look at who?
G: The Indian.
M: What's the Indian wearing?
G: (pausing and then looking up she was clearly surprised to see me but answered anyway) A tomahawk.

I can only imagine that she had flashed back to some old movie, vacation or somewhen I shouldn't have been.

Later she seemed convinced that the corridor outside her hospital room was the entrance to a beauty parlor. After she went on about that for a bit, I did brush her hair and it seemed to make her happy.

Then, at times, she'd have moments when she clearly remembered something that happened yesterday, albeit in a slightly confused way. At one point she even asked if I'd found a job yet. (sadly the answer is still no, but then again, I'm not regretting getting to spend some extra time with her)

She'll get obsessed with the blanket on her lap, folding the corners down and smoothing it over. Folding down, smoothing over. Today she looked up at me after doing this for several minutes and said, "I just don't know if this will ever be finished." I distracted her with the fruit cup, but her words hit me hard.

My question isn't whether she's going to get better as that seems a bit of a long shot. Her mind had been slowly unraveling even before she was confronted with the confusion of hospital routines and constant tests. What I want to know, without having to experience it directly, is what she's feeling now. Is it like some mind altered state? Is she aware that she's muddled? (Her obvious frustration at times leads me to answer yes to this.) Is it actually, maybe just a little bit fun for her at other times? The times that make her suddenly laugh? Is it like being under the influence of a mild hallucinogen, something that's okay when you're aware of what it is and willing to go along for the ride?

There's a big difference though. I've always heard that the safest thing to do when you really need the ride to be over, when you're hit with a rocky trip, is to sit quietly and remind yourself over and over again that "this too shall pass." Eventually it does and life returns to normal again.

For Gram, there's no guarantee of a return, and I have no answers for her when she wonders if it'll ever be finished.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 7:42 PM

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2008-02-15 
 

grilled cheese and gram

I remember my Gram making me grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. I'd be visiting her and my Gramps down Cape over the summer and it was one of my favorite lunches. I'd sit in the kitchen with my hot elbows sticking slightly to the plastic tablecloth and watch her get everything together. Each time she put the plate in front of me, she would ask how I wanted the sandwich cut. She always gave me the triangles I requested because she fully understood that the way you cut a grill cheese affects your perception of the taste.

Today I visited her in the hospital to make sure she ate some of her lunch. She's a lot fuzzier these days than the sharp witted woman I remember from even just a few years ago.

Lunch was a grilled cheese, and she only agreed to eat it after I'd cut it into triangles for her.

We're coming full circle and that makes me strangely happy and sad all at the same time.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 4:58 PM

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2007-09-14 
 

100 things

It seems that no blog is complete without one of these lists laying around somewhere. I'm going to be kind and give it a page of it's own so that you can feel free to ignore it if you wish. Also, please note that the page this links to has been available since March. I just now realized that the entry announcing it never got published. That said it, I reread it today and it's still all true.

RANDOM LIST OF 100 THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME

Labels: blogging, dose of mikey, g, memes, memory lane, random review, rant, reading, san francisco, sharketing, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 8:18 PM

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2007-08-28 
 

portents

I'm typing this late at night, or early in the morning depending on how you count it. We're about to head up the hill for a good view of the lunar eclipse.

Throughout history, folks have attributed many things to eclipses. Lunar eclipses in particular seem to point towards the end of days or ominous omens, mostly due to the blood red color she turns. For myself, whether by design or happenstance, a lunar eclipse has always signified a great change of some sort. Usually a good one too.

The cold-as-facts inner scientist may insist that the movement of stars and planets is regulated by physical and not mystical laws, but a big change is afoot in our lives and my inner shaman tells me to pay close attention to the dance of the stars and the feel of the wind on my face tonight as I gaze heavenward.

Labels: dose of mikey, looking eastward, spirit

* posted by me at 4:40 AM

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2007-08-06 
 

bread alone

Over the years I've learned a few things. Or at least I like to think I have. Hmmm. Right now, all I can conclusively state is that a great sandwich is made up of 40% good ingredients and 60% really good bread.

So after almost 40 years of study I can conclusively state: Life is too short to eat bad bread.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 3:35 PM

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2007-07-24 
 

riding into the future

Ended up in Hayward today for work. Once finished, I had a choice. Retrace my route back home via 880 and face the stress and delays that trucks and tractor trailers visit upon that stretch or reverse commute over the San Mateo bridge. I chose the later.

I rarely take this particular bridge and had forgotten that the first 5 miles of the 7 mile span are quite low to the water with only a three foot barrier between myself and the bay. Like you're riding on the water.

Sometime during my early teens, before I even had a license, I had a reoccurring dream that I was driving across a vast expanse of water on just such a road with the only difference being that the dream bridge was even lower to the water and had no barrier. The dream never frightened me, but I would wake up exhilarated and with the knowledge that the future held endless possibilities.

Traffic was super light today on that westward expanse, so I turned off the radio and let the rhythmic hum of tires on reinforced concrete take me into the future.

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane, san francisco, spirit

* posted by me at 11:05 PM

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2007-06-28 
 

keep on laughing

warning, stuff ahead that certain people may find to be TOO MUCH INFORMATION about Mikey...if you think that's you, please go here instead. If you're curious, but unsure, the first paragraph is pretty safe, but I'm not liable for any TMI if you put 2+2 together.

Now that they're gone. Tonight, while watching television, I started to giggle manaically over some random joke. It felt good to laugh after being stressed out all day, and I thought it would be fun to keep it going. I used a visualization technique that I've developed and kept laughing, spurts of giggles that made life seem so wonderfully happy for about 15-20 minutes. There was a lovely afterglow effect too. Sort of like when you were a kid and spun on the sit and spin until you were about to puke, but fell off just in time. (Anyone who has not experienced that can't understand, but it's a wonderful feeling when you're six.)

The trick in question was something I worked out in.......another part of my life in order to extend another pleasurable feeling. Here's where the curious, but suddenly over informed ought to leave. It allows me to concentrate on that feeling and get it to continue for much longer than normal. (Yes, I'm talking about sex here, but I'm not getting more explicit than that so it's pretty safe from here on out. As I mention in the first paragraph, the technique seems to work for any intense feeling you might have. Yes, I really was giggling like an insane man in front of the television tonight...no going back and reinterpreting.) If you've practiced guided meditation...or other things of that nature, this probably won't be too hard to try out. I also make sure I'm in a space where I remember that everything in the universe is interconnected. I'm curious as to whether it would work for someone else, but pretty sure somebody holding that truth for themselves is going to have an easier time.

What I do is close my eyes at the moment the feeling starts and imagine that it's a little orb of light directly above the center of my forehead. Concentrating on the orb, I move it around in a counterclockwise direction nine times (pretty quickly, but not so fast that you lose "hold" of the orb.)

At the ninth swirl I experience a pretty large "after-shock" of the feeling. At that point I can keep swirling, a bit more slowly and get several more aftershocks.

It's sometimes hard to keep the circle going, and if my concentration is off, I've had it fail. (which is almost the reverse feeling of when it does work...like I've been blocked, but it works more times than not. I also noticed that as long as 30 minutes after stopping, I've been able to concentrate again and create another aftershock, albeit a minor one.

I call the technique widdershins. This is partially because I've always loved that word since first discovering it in my foray into Wicca, but mostly because it sounds more mysterious than counterclockwise.

For those of you who still feel that I've given TMI and could have concentrated on the technique just using the giggles for an example, I did think of that. The thing is that I don't think the gigglathon tonight would have happened if I hadn't first practiced and perfected it...elsewhere where the feeling is incredibly intense to begin with.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 2:00 AM

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2005-11-20 
 

strange things I believe

throwing a muni pass away before it expires is bad luck

giving a muni pass away before it expires is good luck

looking at a clock at exactly 3:33 a.m. is bad luck

touching a clock 11:11 or 2:22 is good luck

all may yet be very well

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 11:27 PM

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2005-11-11 
 

glad to be me

If I had it all to do over again, I'd like to try and stop hating myself a bit earlier in life.

Surrounded by people who loved me during my youth, yet feeling that I was an aberration...that I was somehow supposed to have been above it all and failed miserably, kept me wavering between hopeless despair and intense self hatred.

Maybe this is normal, but I tend to think not.

Sometime in 4th grade I accepted Mr. JC as my lord, mostly in hopes that he'd save me. In many ways he did, but like any good god, he knew that letting me find my own way was worth more in the long run than a wave from his magic wand.

I'd fall asleep praying to him, "please let the apocalypse come...life is too hard...let it all end now...please let tomorrow be the last day." For many years, these were often my last waking thoughts, but he never answered that particular prayer.

There was a little group of druggy types in junior high who called me Smiley because...well I was always smiling. I'd learned that keeping that fake smile pasted on did one of two things. It either scared people into leaving you alone or convinced them you were okay and needed no further attention. The druggy types just thought I'd found some really good weed.

I made a feeble attempt at suicide at age 13 by downing a bottle of aspirin and various other low level medications I found at home....hoping they'd combine forces and do me in. My naivete is almost laughable in retrospect, but I'm thankful today that my parents didn't have anything harder biding it's time in the medicine chest. I suffered nothing worse than a few hours of throwing up and an extreme dizziness. It even got me out of school the next day, but I spent several years hating myself for being such a total wimp because I hadn't even had the guts to kill myself properly.

My epiphany that God loved me because of who I was instead of in spite of it came at age 16, shortly after I'd decided that falsely following rules I didn't believe in would only result in hurting those around me, and myself, more than rebelling against those same rules.

I stayed pretty quiet about it all at first, but over the course of several years I learned to allow myself to be happy without feeling guilt and started to pass that message on to friends who needed to hear it. A decade later I fully surrendered to the power of the universe around me and finally forgave myself for being alive in a messy world. It was that day that I felt myself cradled in God's hands and knew that everything was going to be okay.

I thought the point I was making was this:

How great would it be to feel that way earlier in life instead of waiting until I was in my late 20s? How much further could I have gone had I chosen to change my mind as a child instead of as a teenager? What if I'd moved faster and given in to joy in college?

The truth is that I think I needed to remember this journey I'd taken. I still stumble across old recordings now and again. Looped admonitions that I'm worthless and a failed person, but they're harder to hear and easier to erase than in my youth. That being said, I've been so busy these past few years that I'm in danger of forgetting that life's a continuous journey.

Changing my mind, and deciding to love myself was one of the hardest and most powerful things I've done in this life. I need to remember that. The choices I'm faced with these days sometimes seem insurmountable, but I've already made the toughest choice of all.

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane, spirit

* posted by me at 3:12 AM

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2005-10-26 
 

cliche, but true

True change is seen through snapshots of our lives taken over a period of weeks, months or even years, but it is a challenge we must face on a daily basis.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 11:54 PM

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2005-09-13 
 

true choice

Every once in a while, we're presented with a choice. Sometimes it's an easy one like chicken or steak?, but there are times when the quandary presented becomes much harder to solve.

The other day I overheard a conversation on Muni in which two teens were discussing which sense they'd rather lose, hearing or sight. As is natural in the confines of a Muni car, my mind started to wander and contemplate the question. Which would I rather lose? Instinctively I thought hearing would be missed less. My fear of not being able to see definitely beats out my already not so stellar sense of hearing. I'd miss music and birdsong and all the other things, but I'd miss paintings and books more.

When I stopped and rethought the question, it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't thinking through it properly. The correct answer is that I'd rather lose neither.

The trick with choices is to always realize that there's a NONE OF THE ABOVE option. (Or, in cases of chicken or steak, an ALL OF THE ABOVE option.)

Labels: seen and heard, spirit

* posted by me at 1:01 AM

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2005-08-23 
 

golden handcuffs

Last night I dreamt that a large gluttonous man was chasing me around a stately old theatre. He intended to tie me up with a golden chain. The links on the chain were large enough to wear as bracelets and they glittered in the lights when he swung it around to snare me with it. I woke up screaming

Hmmm. I wonder what THAT means.

Labels: sharketing, spirit

* posted by me at 11:35 PM

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2005-08-21 
 

don't forget

Two facts:

1. Almost every evening, I pass by a secret Safeway on the way to the subway from work. I take the side streets because they're usually quite empty and remember being quite surprised the first time I saw it nestled under a portion of the Maritime Plaza with tall building all around and the fountains and the walkways of the plaza laying over it. I couldn't quite believe someone had put it there. It's smaller than most of its siblings, less trafficked, and generally not quite as unpleasant to shop as the average Safeway.

2. G and I no longer shop Safeway except to buy soda or peanut butter. For some reason, the natural versions we find at Rainbow Grocery or Whole Foods just don't do it for us so we do need to face the cold aisles now and again.

So, I've needed to remember to buy peanut butter from the secret Safeway for a few days now, but kept forgetting. Yesterday, while walking along a usually deserted section of Front Street, I started chanting, "Peanut...peanut butter. Peanut...peanut butter." under my breath as a mnemonic. As often happens in a situation like that, I began chanting a bit louder...and louder...and louder creating a nice little groove with my arms until I was surprised into silence by the homeless man I'd just passed rising suddenly from his blankets and shouting, "Don't forget the jelly!"

Almost scared the piss out of me at the moment, but his words echo in my head today and strike me as being something we all could stand to remember.

Don't forget the jelly.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, san francisco, spirit

* posted by me at 12:28 AM

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2005-08-06 
 

hiv evening

I recently found out that a good friend is positive. Later, after being there for him for a while, I went home to G...and I cried. Cried because the disease had infiltrated into yet another corner of my life, cried because it still scares me.

G held me in his arms and comforted me. Reminded me of all the things I already know:

It's not how it used to be. People live. Life continues to go on and there's beauty to be found, even on the harshest of journies.

G, who's danced with the disease for over 15 years reminded me that everything may yet be okay.

There's the answer. That's how I do it.

Alone we may falter and fall, but together we stand strong. Never be afraid to lean on those who love you.

That goes double for you my friend. If you need me, give a ring. I'm done crying and my shoulder's there for you...Thanks to G, and everyone like him who's willing to step into tomorrow.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 11:32 PM

(2) comments



2005-05-06 
 

mom always said...

Got some disturbing news from a close friend tonight. He'd been messing around with his girlfriend and punctured an eardrum. Errrm...okay, first off get your mind out of the gutter. Then explain to me exactly what you think that they were doing?

The details are actually rather mundane and really aren't that important.

Point is, I hadn't thought about how much this particular person meant to me in a long time. The second he started telling me about it all, I forgot how tired I was from working and how disgruntled I was feeling. I just started saying silent prayers to the powers that be. Suddenly all that mattered was that he be okay. The doctors have told him that the eardrum should heal back to normal, but I'm going to keep sending good thoughts his way. He may think it's a bit corny, but I know he'll appreciate the thought.

Meanwhile, in less intense news, this link from Super B makes me smile. I may be a bit of a fair weather fan, but I know someone truly hardcore!

Labels: dose of mikey, linkage, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 1:58 AM

(2) comments



2005-04-19 
 

daily bread

Hey God?

Yes, Michael?

Can I offer up a prayer in retrospect?

Sure.

Let the new pope be good for the gays.

Hmmmm. We'll see.

OK, I know that's not really an answer, but thanks for listening.

You're welcome.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 8:37 PM

(0) comments



2005-04-14 
 

smoke in the city

Climbing up through the steel and concrete of downtown San Francisco this morning, I caught the lingering soaked-in scent of campfire smoke. After three showers and several changes of clothes it seemed a bit odd that I’d still be carrying it around, so maybe nature’s trying to tell me something.

I’d been reading Tom Robbins’ Villa Incognito during my commute and my mind’s been full of animism and the idea that every living thing has spirit. Not a new concept for me, but something that’s been buried under too many years of dance halls and drugs.

Okay, maybe that last part’s a little hyperbolic and/or misleading, and I do beg your pardon. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to tap anything in to the computer and the words are welling up; flooding to the surface of my skin and jumping off on whatever keys they see fit. I have lost all control.

This entry has been brought to you by the letter M who is tired of being a corporate cog. BEHIND THE BLOG: He composed it much earlier today in email format. The more legitimate work related email he could've been writing championed ideas that had been reduced, by committee, to a tepid and salt free state. Ain't corporate america grand?

Labels: blogging, dose of mikey, reading, san francisco, sharketing, spirit

* posted by me at 2:16 AM

(0) comments



2005-01-17 
 

never stop the dance

Went to church yesterday. First time I've been to church on a Sunday in years. G and I will sometimes go to a Taize service on a Wednesday evening to connect with the world in a broader way, but my usual worship preference? Well, Emily Dickinson said it first:

Poem 324
Some keep the Sabbath going to Church -
I keep it, staying at Home -
With a Bobolink for a Chorister -
And an Orchard, for a Dome -

Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice -
I just wear my Wings -
And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,
Our little Sexton - sings.

God preaches, a noted Clergyman -
And the sermon is never long,
So instead of getting to Heaven at last -
I'm going, all along.

The church we visited yesterday may've been new, but the clapboard and stone melded with the surrounding colonial town as if it had stood there for centuries. They hold services in the World Room, so called because of a beautiful stained glass window with...yes, a picture of the world on it. We didn't hear a typical sermon though. Instead, they welcomed a special guest preacher, Reverend Dr. Donald Warner, who treated us to an hour of poetry. Several of the poems were accompanied by a young woman doing interpretive dance that really got me thinking.

Dancing as a way of expressing religious joy is underrated in this country amongst most of the dominant churches. People sing to the Lord, paint pictures to praise him, and many other acts of artistic expression, but dance is still tinged with the taint of sin. I'm not going to go all Footloose on you now, because it's really a whole entry of it's own. If it ever gets written, I'll try and remember to recount a certain night at Universe...

Where was I? Oh yes, church. So Dr. Warner is an African American man born in the 1930's and his life boasts some interesting episodes. From growing up as a member of an oppressed minority, to his time spent in the Korean war, to his meeting with MLK Junior, there seems to be little he hasn't seen or done. To hear of his experiences in his own voice and on this particular weekend was truly a treat and appropriate to the moment. While I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't get to see one of the normal Sunday services, I wouldn't trade it. Chances like that come along rarely, and I believe it is better to embrace them when they happen instead of wondering what might have been.

Besides, it's not like that's the only UU church service I'll ever be able to attend...

Labels: looking eastward, spirit

* posted by me at 4:42 PM

(0) comments



2005-01-09 
 

giving thanks

After all my worries about meeting new people yesterday, it ended up being a very nice time.

Snapshot: We're all getting in line to grab food and the truck driver tells us that we'll say grace first. So we're all in a tight circle holding hands in an appropriately suburban kitchen and I'm expecting...I don't know what. G's family isn't very religious, but this is a friend of the family. I guess I'm hoping that the guy doesn't say anything that's going to cause hurt and make me have to speak up on behalf of the little people.

Where's my trust in the universe gone? He proceeded to say one of the nicest graces I've ever heard. Spoken from the heart by a man who believes in the same Jesus I've known since childhood. The Jesus who loves the little children and tells us that love surpasses all other things. The Jesus who accepts all people regardless of background or life situation because it isn't about what makes us different, but instead what makes us the same.

Insert the word God or Goddess in there if the name Jesus makes you too uncomfortable. He doesn't mind.

It was nice to spend some time with him again.

Truck Driver and the Beary Nice Lady are Unitarians. I'm thinking of having M take me to a service next week when I'm visiting her and little E. I'm intrigued.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, local getaway, spirit

* posted by me at 1:24 PM

(1) comments



2004-12-04 
 

what would william think?

When I was younger I created a variation of an invisible friend. His name was William, and I met him for the first time on a day I'd stayed home sick from school.

I lay in bed, finally bored of the many puzzles Mommy had brought in to amuse me. My little world of the bedroom had become tiresome since I know that doing anything too noisy will cause a scolding to come my way. Looking at the bookshelf, I can't find anything that hasn't been read at least two or three times already. So I curl up into the bed and pull the blanket over my head.

The realization that I'm a caterpillar in a cocoon hits me suddenly. I feel my body slowly morphing. Little legs are sinking back into my body, while at my back I feel wings sprouting. I can't see them, but I know that they're the most beautiful wings in all of the world! With a sudden burst of energy, I throw off the covers and stand wobbling on the soft mattress. Then another burst of knowledge. I'm not a butterfly at all! I'm William, and I must be having an incredibly odd dream. You see, I'd gone to sleep the night before, laying on a most comfortable pile of hay that I'd pushed into the corner after cleaning out my master's stable and tending to the horses. I remember settling in to the comforting straw and falling asleep giving thanks to the heaven's that they helped me to find such a good master. His given name was Ethan, though I had to call him Sir Gothardt as a sign of respect. I did so gladly. Sir Gothardt was a good master, and I led a good life as his squire.

But the world around me looks nothing like the stable I know so well. What, after all, could that strange object in the corner be? It was tall and looked a bit like the harpsichord I'd seen on a visit to Lord Darkwind's castle, but it was made from a strange purple marble. I remembered Lady Ursula explaining to Sir Gothardt that the harpsichord sounded better than any other in the country because of the fine wood it had been crafted from. This marble object couldn't be a musical instrument, could it?

Glancing down, I can see my feet causing an indent in a bed of some sort. But what a strange bed it is! And how unsteady I feel trying to keep balance on the softest of mattresses! My unsteadiness convinces me that the best course of action would be to sit down. So I do.

I pull the sheets up over my lap and realize that I must be in one of Lord Darkwind's rooms. After all, the material is soft and colored a pale green, I decide that this must be the silk Lady Ursula raves on about. I look behind me and see a pillow wrapped in a patterned field of hundreds of flowers. It's then that I notice the strange device sitting on a short table at the side of the bed. It's black and made from a shiny black substance that is slick to the touch. On the very front is a very small and very odd metal bar. Above the bar someone has written the word "ON" upon it in a very neat hand. A short bit below the bar, I see the word "OFF" in the same writing. I puzzle over this for a bit. What does it mean? As I run my fingers over the bar, it shifts upward.

I jump back as a bright light shines suddenly from the top of the device. Fire! I look around for some water to throw on it, but my panic subsides as I see that the flames are not spreading. In fact, the light is steady and not flickering at all. Cautiously, I reach toward the object. It is much warmer at the top, but not at all hot. The little bar remains cool. I flick it back down, and the light is extinguished. It makes me sad to lose the light, but after a moment, the significance of "ON" and "OFF" comes to me. I push the little bar back upward and the light once again shines on the room around me.

As I switch the magical light on and off joyfully, I know what my mission must be. This isn't Lord Darkwind's castle at all. It's a wondrous new country that I've somehow traveled to in my sleep. It's clear that I've been sent to this place as a scholar, and must detail and catalog everything I see so that I can share them all with the people back in the lands I came from.

I go slowly around the room, discovering any number of other magical items. The craftsmanship of the shelves amazes me, but more wonderful are the small framed paintings. Paintings made with such skill that no brushstokes are visible. Then there's the unending supply of exotic toys! I do feel a bit silly playing with them at first. After all, I'm an old boy now and a squire to boot. Toys are things for small children of 5 or 6...but the discovery that some of them boast the magic of "ON" and "OFF" and can MOVE ON THEIR OWN, convinces me that they fall well within my mission of discovery.

Finally, I'm finished with the shelves, and approach the marble structure in the far corner. I feel it tentatively expecting cold stone, but am surprised to find that it's much softer than that. In fact, it's made from wood after all. Someone has only painted it to resemble marble. When I touch one of the little white planks on the front, it does indeed make a sweet sound, just like the harpsichord back home. This too, must have fine wood underneath the purple and grey paint. But it looks so strange! I hit more of the little planks and marvel at the minds that must have decided to create such a strange object.

Then a voice calls out, "Michael? Was machts du?" It's German! At least I think it must be German. It sounds quite like the language Lady Ursula and her sisters talk when they're telling secrets.

I decide that the best course of action is to crawl back into the bed, pull the covers over my head and return quickly to my own country.

Pulling the soft cotton covers down from over my head, I'm Mike again. But a much happier Mike who is willing to see what a great world we live in.

Since that first time, William's been to visit me many times. He never comes in such a dramatic fashion anymore. In fact sometimes I'll just be pulling on my sock and he'll be there, wondering what marvelous technology created such a comfortable and finely spun garment.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Rereading that, I realize that it might have been clearer to call William an alter ego from the start, but isn't that exactly what invisible friends are?


This entry is dedicated to several people:
Emma, whom I hope finds someone as magical as William in her own life.
Mom and Dad, for never stifling my odd creative bursts
Mark, who asked me to blog something soon.
and Greg, for always reminding me that there's magic in the world

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 10:17 PM

(0) comments



2004-11-23 
 

loopholes

Where we are in life and what we are doing with ourselves comes from a complicated mix of one's individual psychological makeup, life stage and past history. Someone who was attacked by dogs as a child, most likely would not be a veterinarian today.

But there's always a loophole. While canine avoidance would seem to be the order of the day for our poor kid above, facing the fear and erasing the recording that dogs are bad could lead to a succesful career with animals...or at least to someone who willingly donates to the ASPCA.

No, I wasn't attacked by dogs, but I do think I found a loophole for myself that'll get me out of this fear of success trip I've been taking. It involves a bit of work, but most things worthy of attaining do.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 7:59 AM

(0) comments



2004-11-05 
 

bleh

No other word quite describes my mood over the past week.

I know that it's just a matter of deciding to move onward and upward, but suddenly we all seem much further down than we did before.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 9:14 PM

(0) comments



2004-08-10 
 

pause

The theme song from Cheers has been stuck in my head all day. Been online quite a bit this past week, but not blogging. Offline, but still on the computer, I've been playing with the Makin' Magic expansion pack for the Sims. Yes, it sucks time away just like television, but it works the brain a bit more than the other glowing box. Sometimes life needs to be about doing something cheap and cheerful to amuse yourself in order to save money, so I'm pretty happy with this course of action.

Of course I could write more too, but somehow I just haven't been in the mood this past week. I feel like I'm almost on the cusp of something. A bit like being on the far side of a wave as it rises. You feel the water tugging you up against the force of gravity. Trick is to paddle really quick to the crest and WOOOOOOOSH you're flying along.

Don't know that I have the energy to paddle right now. Might have to wait for the next wave.

That's the nice thing about the Ocean...there's always another wave.

Of course it's also true that you have to time that paddle to the crest just right. Paddling too fast or too soon just puts you too far past the near side of the wave where you're liable to be pounded down instead of forward.

Ah rationalization. I'm very good at it.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit, writing

* posted by me at 1:21 AM

(0) comments



2004-08-01 
 

womb

I remember getting out of church in the early spring and waiting around in the chill air outside for Mom and Dad to stop chatting with everyone under the sun. My favorite days were sunny ones, when we could ask for the car keys and go wait in the old Pontiac. Though the air outside was cool, the car's interior would be luxuriously warm having baked in the sun for a few hours.

I'd scrunch down on the seat and get drowsy looking up at the thousands of perforated dots in the ceiling vinyl. If I adjusted my eyes in just the right manner, the dots would start to multiply. Layer upon layer floating closer and closer to the tip of my nose.

If I could freeze moments in time, that would be one of them.

Labels: memory lane, spirit

* posted by me at 5:34 PM

(0) comments



2004-07-26 
 

ch-ch-ch-changes 

I recently went back into therapy. It's been almost 15 years since the first round, and while I said at the time that I'd go back eventually; I had begun to believe it wouldn't happen.  After all, I had learned how to be healthy on my own.
 
Not really.

So I'm doing it.  Mostly a preventive measure at this point. A need to let go and just purge myself of a whole bunch of shit that lives inside my head.  I could write more, but that's really not for public consumption right now. Suffice it to say that my life is an interesting one, and that sometimes interesting means challenging. (and sometimes challenging means...well as an old college chum would've said, "Shit, damn, fuckin' damn, fuckin' damn shit." 
 
And I know that I've probably freaked a few people out with this entry, because I have a lot of caring folk in my life, so let me reasure you that overall everything's fine and that I went through much worse in my first round of therapy.  Besides, I have G to lean on this time and he's being even more wonderful than ever right now.  (Thanks honk!) 

Labels: dose of mikey, g, spirit

* posted by me at 9:47 PM

(0) comments



2004-01-19 
 

rinsing off

I do quite a bit of thinking in the shower. Today I thought about:

G dieing. (hey, he has the AIDS, it's not like it's a weird thought to have now and again)
Myself dieing. (after all, I could get hit by a turnip truck tomorrow)
Being cremated vs. buried. (I hate the thought of being underground forever after. Scatter me to the four winds please.)
The fact that I never visit gravesites. (other than my Gramps, but that's because his grave was a way for me to connect to my cousins who would also go and leave little bits behind.)
When I need someone who has passed on from this plane, I just talk to them.
(I'm glad this works for me or else I'd never get to say hi to Lotte, she's buried across the sea on another continent.)
When we die, I imagine that we get to relive all the perfect moments we've had in full, over and over. That's heaven.
G and I have had quite a few perfect moments. Times when you know, even as they're happening, that they'll stay with you forever.
We had a moment last night. Walking out to find some dinner...he put his arm in mine and that was all it took. For whatever reason, that moment will live with me forever. Not as dramatic as the stormy day up at Bodega Bay when we became one with the wind and scrambled over rocks in search of adventure, but a quieter, simpler moment that will always remind me of what we have together.
I think I'd like to get married for real. (damn republicans...and anyone who thinks love should be condemned vs. being celebrated.)
I thought of a lot of other things...old friends who I don't see much anymore. Getting beat up in 10th grade and never telling my parents. Getting a C- instead of an F thanks to some computer error back in 9th grade...and never telling my parents. Wondering how my parents are. Wondering how Dude and Dudette are doing. Does he love her as much as I love G? Yes, I think he does. Deep love doesn't come easily to my family, but when it does we hold on with all the power in our souls.

Then I finished shaving and it was time to turn of the water...and I thought about how I ought to think more.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, looking eastward, spirit, the gay

* posted by me at 6:04 PM

(0) comments



2004-01-14 
 

mailing anastasia

Interesting that you should write me about Spalding Gray. G just mentioned it last night and we got into an odd convo which I heard like this....

G: Did you hear Spalding Gray's missing?
M: Umm....no...he sounds familiar...who is he?
G: You know, the actor swimming to Cambodia
M: From?
G: New York.
M: (disbelieving) He is not!
G: Yes he is, it's in the news!
M: Why would anyone do that?
G: Disappear?
M: Swim all that way!

Yes, I can be a lunkhead sometimes. I never saw STC but I have seen other things he's been in.

ANYway. I'm feeling the winter right now. I'm trying to live in the moment, but find myself obsessing about it in a way that's not very healthy. I'm self diagnosing myself as a minor depressive, but I don't want to get help. I'm afraid of losing myself if I start taking an antidepressant. I just need more sunlight and a nice GnT in my hand. I keep remembering a moment in time from the White Party several years back where I was sipping on some fruity drink and laying in the sun with a bunch of friends, all of us quietly grooving and letting the trailmix do its business.

Where's my Golden Ticket?

In other news:

He rolled over and hugged the pillow to himself, breathing in the light scent of product and sweat that permeated it. In the absence of his lover, it would have to do.

Note: G and I are fine. It's just something that came to me last night as I was computer widowed.

Ruminating on: The importance of siblings. Familial and otherwise.

Hmmm. I think you just helped me write a blog entry. Thanks!

Labels: dose of mikey, g, spirit, writing

* posted by me at 7:28 PM

(0) comments



2004-01-11 
 

youth, like diamonds in the sun

It's rather early in the morning, and I'm wide awake.

There's something I forgot to say to you all. Something that defines me. It's so hard to get old without a cause.
I don't want to perish like a fading horse

Thirty-four is upon me. Time marches on, yet I embrace it. I hold it close and cherish what it has to tell me. There are more years ahead than what I've left behind. Thirty-three was hard. From the anniversary of my first conciousness to the actual realization of thirty three years on the planet and on through a reitiration of those first months; I struggled throughout it all to retain that which is truly me. I held on tight and never let go...bringing me now to the threshhold of the next challenge.

It comes a bit later than expected, but today I say goodbye to thirty-three. I have months yet to go before society recognizes where I've come this night, but I know I'm already there.

and diamonds are forever

(with special thanks to Alphaville)

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 9:20 AM

(0) comments



2003-12-13 
 

truth

Hard leaving the coziness of lieing down, but I need to get this down.

I will hold to my personal truth. That is the most and the best that I can do.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 9:32 AM

(0) comments



2003-07-10 
 

changing pictures

For the past month or so, every time I'd look out the window by my cube, I'd see the picture of G's ex staring at me from the top of the telephone pole on the corner. (He's one of the poster people for the SF AIDS walk.) Because we're on the 3rd floor, it was as if he was staring over my shoulder. Being that he was a cheatin' bastard and hurt G, it was rather irksome. The walk is a truly good cause, but I kept wishing the poster would fall down so I wouldn't have to see him. Then I'd feel guilty about wanting that because having it fall down would hurt the walk. Last week, I decided to stop wishing that it would fall down, but I did mention to a coworker that it would've been much nicer if they'd chosen a different poster boy.

On Monday morning, his pic had been replaced by one of Eric McCormack. I'm sure this must have been a standard refreshing of imagery in order to pump people up for the walk next weekend, but it's just one example of how life has been getting nicer for me in many little ways since vacation. Call me an airy fairy freak if you want, but sometimes you just have to let life work for you instead of fighting all the time.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, spirit

* posted by me at 2:36 AM

(0) comments



2003-06-27 
 

home again?

After an uneventful flight, G and I are back in SF. I was a bit bummed that we were assigned to row 13 since in a 757 that's the odd row without the window. (I mean, doesn't the poor number suffer enough stigma without having people curse it out for making them feel even more sardine-ish?)

So back home from home. This trip was wonderful - after Salem, we had several days down Cape with the Dude and his Dudette. Was really nice getting to know her and spend time doing just chilling out for a while. Back home to Mom and Dad's where they had a nice little birthday dinner for the both of us. It's about then that I started going a bit down emotionally. Every time I go back it gets a little harder to leave. The next day as we were over the M's I just couldn't pep myself up. MomToo was chatting away about how Mom and Dad were doing, but I couldn't pay attention. The truth is I just wanted to start crying, but it's weird for me to just reach out for emotional support for no definable reason so I ended up being a little numb throughout the visit. Aside to the M's - and everyone else for that matter - this is all my own baggage that I'm dealing with, I blame no one else. I also know there's plenty of folks out there who would help me carry it, but I haven't quite figured out which bags are mine yet, so wait for me on the curb by the taxi stand and I'll be out shortly.

There's so many conflicting feelings about what home means to me. It's where the love is sure, but I've got that in two distinct places in this world now and I'm just not sure how to deal with it. SF is easy. Boston is hard. I have deeper, longer lasting relationships on the East Coast. SF is very transient. I love SF as a city. I don't so much love Boston as a city. It does have it's good points, but compared to SF? SF wins hands down. Add to that: I did meet G here and this city has some true benefits that the east coast is lacking.

What I guess I haven't quite touched on yet is the fact that I will be moving back. It's just a matter of waiting for the moment to be right. The recent upgrade in job and some vague promises of better economic future next year mean it could happen sooner rather than later. The pain I feel in leaving the folks back there every time I go makes it even more real...and for the first time I find myself almost missing SF in advance.

I do not plan on letting myself wallow in this "torn between two lovers" place. I do believe in living in the moment and choosing happiness, but that's only healthy if you've first allowed yourself to examine the choice. Otherwise it's just repression. So I'm examining.

Labels: dose of mikey, looking eastward, san francisco, spirit

* posted by me at 1:58 AM

(0) comments



2003-06-11 
 

child

A good friend of mine is about to have a child. (Well technically, my friend who he's married to is about to have a child, but this entry was sparked by something he wrote on his own site.) He's the first male from my various groups of friends to become a dad. M had little e a few years back and while I felt a certain wonderment about the whole thing, it didn't hit me in quite this way. Perhaps it was because I was young enough then to truly not want it, but maybe it's something else. For some reason the thought of one of my friends becoming a father made me feel bittersweet. Happy and excited to see him go through the experience, but a bit sad that I probably won't ever have that myself. The thought of looking down at another little life and knowing that you helped create it is strange and wonderful. There's something different about being a dad vs. being a mom. I can know this rationally, but I'll never get to experience it emotionally.

I have a friend who asked if I would donate sperm this past year and I said no because I truly do feel that the world is full enough without me adding to the mix, but a purely selfish side of me almost wishes I didn't feel that way. How fun would it be to have a bunch of little Mikey's running around? That's not really it though. A dad fills a very special niche in a person's life. I'm just wondering what it'd be like to fill that niche for someone.

Labels: dose of mikey, linkage, spirit

* posted by me at 6:16 PM

(0) comments



2003-06-09 
 

pupal

Every once in a while I get a sense that some "thing" is imminent. It usually means I'm about to come to some sort of split in the road where a decision will have to be made. Could be something as simple as which way to drive to work, or as complicated as whether to go to Boston vs. someplace else. I'm not sure what it is this time, but I'll try to be on the lookout. The thing is, I never know exactly when it'll happen, but I know shortly after the fact. The pre-butterfly feeling goes away. Not butterflies in the stomach, though I feel those too sometimes, but instead a feeling that I'm in some sort of pupal state and about to burst forth into a new world.

I use the Boston example because it was once a choice I made. One summer I could've made it back there by squashing just a bit more onto the credit card, but I decided to stay in SF and "be responsible". It wasn't a matter of a right or wrong decision, but some pretty big things happened in a certain way...and I got to avoid them and stand aside later on. The distance helped me. I have a feeling that my presence would have embroiled me much deeper in things, even changed the way things played out. (though admittedly, most probably for the worse) On the other side of the coin, I also missed my last chance to see my grandfather alive. In some ways, he'll never leave me, and I know I'm going to see him again in the next round or two....still it'd be nice to have a chance to hug him again. As disappointed as he must've been by my decision to live my life honestly as a gay man, he never stopped loving me and he always meant his hugs.

For those of you who're wondering, the choice this time around wasn't whether or not to go to Boston, that was a pretty normal type of choice. Then again, maybe it's something else and not a choice moment at all.

butterflies landing
rainbows appearing
torn wishes set adrift

It sounds like some sad poem written by a child who's lost her pretty pony, doesn't it?

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 2:54 AM

(0) comments



2003-05-28 
 

hawaiian dreamin

I think I need a vacation. Today was my first official day in the new position and while I'm excited about it all, my energy level was low and I found myself thinking about how far away the next long weekend is. I've been wanting to do something with G that isn't just a trip back home to MA. Not that I don't want to see everyone, but we haven't actually taken a true week-long vacation on our own in the whole time we've been together.

My trip to Hawaii a few years back with Bunny Girl was one of the best vacations I ever took. Beautiful island and beautiful company. B and I were so in sync with each other back then, that we could easily give each other space when it was asked for and felt free to ask for it when needed. We'd also worked out a decision making process that truly took each other's desires into consideration and ended up leaving both of us happy. (It helps that we'd recently been practicing choice as a method of being happy. So simple, yet such a hard concept for many to grasp.) Even when there was friction, as in the lava talk, we'd learned to get it out in the open and then let go. A bit like a well married couple, minus the sex. (Though we gave each other space for that too now that I think of it.)

After almost three years together, G and I are getting close to a similar space. Still a ways to go, and the processes are a bit different, but it's there and I long to spend time away from it all with him and just him. Maybe again to the Big Island since it was truly one of the most beautiful spaces I've ever been to, but maybe someplace new to both of us. Iceland comes to mind for some reason. We both have a strange fascination with the green island nation up north, and it would be fun to share discovering it with him.

Random thought: I always feel great on islands and peninsulas and they tend to dominate my dreams. Cape Cod, San Francisco, Hawaii, St. Barts...even Manhattan and Boston in a strange way. Once an island and a peninsula respectively that have taken on a whole new identity as the years went on.

Labels: g, memory lane, sharketing, spirit

* posted by me at 2:23 AM

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2003-05-17 
 

matrix redux

Just got back from a screening of The Matrix Reloaded. If you liked the first one, this is a must see, just don't expect too much. The effects are all there, bigger and better, but nothing that tops the initial amazement of the first movie when you'd never seen anything quite like that before. I did leave the theater today much the same way I had after my first viewing of The Matrix four years ago; with the feeling that I too could jump buildings if I only knew the secret code. G and I had a fun ride home pretending that we did.

Of course, for those of you who aren't aware of it, I do believe we possess the secret code on level much deeper than Hollywood's latest blockbuster. It's just a matter of allowing ourselves to remember it and not fearing the responsibilities that come along with knowing.

Labels: linkage, random review, spirit

* posted by me at 7:21 PM

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2003-05-14 
 

silver lining

Well it's just about official. I've accepted the price and should be offered the job tomorrow. Rather nasty experience in many ways, but a good learning.

In similar news, I will continue to believe that it is a basic human trait to find something redeemable (and often cute) in every situation.

Labels: linkage, sharketing, spirit

* posted by me at 11:46 PM

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2003-04-13 
 

drums

Volunteered at the San Francisco Cherry Blossom Festival today at the Burger Booth. Proceeds from the sales go to the senior community. I got there about 20 minutes before my shift started and ended up watching the San Francisco Taiko Dojo perform for a little while. A combination of the rhythm and the sun that had managed to break through at that point left me feeling warm and strong. I also felt very lonely. Sometimes it's hard to experience something powerful when you're surrounded with other humans, yet have no one to share it all with.

Labels: dose of mikey, san francisco, spirit

* posted by me at 10:47 PM

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2002-06-13 
 

inspirational drag queens

It's almost 12:30 and I'm about to go to bed, but I just saw something that reinforces why I love San Francisco. There was a drag queen on San Francisco Public Access cable who was simply lounging on her couch and waxing - quite eloquently - on the state of the world and sharing her life experiences. Love that I can flip through the stations and find someone spouting forth on how important it is to believe in oneself. A message which has even more resonance when spoken by someone who truly knows what it's like to live on the edges of what society likes to term "normal". Another sliver of hope clinging to the bottom of Pandora's box.

Labels: san francisco, seen and heard, spirit

* posted by me at 3:25 AM

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2002-05-23 
 

three paths

In any given situation, there are three courses of action you can take.

Do nothing.
Change the situation.
Change your mind.

The first option works best if you're happy in a situation. The second is, unfortunately, not always an option for everyone. The third, and perhaps the most difficult for many people, requires you to change your attitude towards something. To see it as a challenge instead of an obstacle. To see it as exciting instead of scary. To be happy that we had an experience instead of mourning the loss. When you're unhappy in a situation, and option two is not possible, go ahead and try option three. Unless you're scared of happiness. I personally like to take a pinch of option two and mix it in with number three.

Let me leave you with a quote from one of the sages of our time, Kermit the Frog. "Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending." (Full lyrics here.)

For those of you who worried, thank you. I'm feeling much better now.

Labels: dose of mikey, linkage, spirit

* posted by me at 1:46 PM

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2002-04-20 
 

two soulmates

Soulmates are made. They don't form out of nothingness. Two souls who click, get together in heaven and decide to make a go of it. That's me and G. I don't know how I know it, I only know that it's true.

This life hasn't been easy for him. We chose it because...well because soulmates need a challenge. We gave it to ourselves.

My life started 32 years ago. His 38.

We finally met, much later than we'd hoped, in a 7-11 under the full moon...and from there it grew.

Our life together hasn't been easy. I always say that we frontloaded all the serious stuff so that...well, so that we could get at the truly serious stuff. We've fought, we've tried to convince ourselves that we'll never see eye to eye.

But our love transcends all that. It helps us know that there isn't an I to I. Just us. And when the time comes that he must leave. I will linger...loving him always, as he watches gently from the other side.

The truth I've realized just now is that I don't know who has to linger. Who has to spend the lonely years alone. I've always felt it would be me, but it could be him. My love knows that he'll make it if that's so, and my heart knows that for me there'll be no other way should he move on first.

Two soulmates. Not formed out of the infinite garden, but decisively made. By us. For us.

We're still young enough for this to be our first time around. Be kind.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, spirit

* posted by me at 4:07 AM

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2002-04-19 
 

dream of fields

I saw Bunny G earlier this week and had a lovely afternoon with her. Was very happy that I got to see her alone this time. Recently I'd come to realize that I haven't seen her alone in over a year. Since I have my doubts about how much cult is in her commune, it was nice to do the one-on-one thing with her. I suspect she found it odd that I'd be concerned over that, especially since I know how strong she is; but the readings I've gotten from some of her new family have been pretty odd. They open their arms to people, but only while that person wants to come closer to their inner circle. When a person walks away, they just turn their backs. In such a small, closed society, that could be devastating and I do worry that she'd feel trapped. She doesn't, and having seen her alone, I finally believe that.

As for me, since their philosophies are based on a heterosexual paradigm, there's really not much for me there. They've been exceedingly polite in their interactions with me, but I've gradually come to feel that they tolerate me only as Bun's pet. A curiosity better left outside. That's ok. I look on all this as Bun's latest adventure. It may be an adventure that lasts the rest of this lifetime, but I know that we still end up in the same field. Even if we climb up different tubes.

Labels: dose of mikey, looking upward, spirit

* posted by me at 1:14 AM

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2002-04-02 
 

time after time

i sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to go back and relive my life from...oh 17 or so...only with all the wisdom i've gained over the past decade. I'd get to sit back and be an observer in my own mind - acting to change the past only when I felt it was absolutely necessary....and there would be the rub: Every time I sprang into action to stop myself from doing something in the past, I'd lose the knowledge that the experience had given me. While stopping myself from eating that Chinese Shrimp Special back in '92 would have given me a few days free of intestinal woe, I would also not have an aversion to asian shrimp dishes...which could leave me vulnerable to a dish of death shrimp that I order in '94 (in Timeline 2) that I wouldn't have eaten in Timeline 1. I'm obviously oversimplifying here, but I think my point is that I find it fascinating to think about how much I'd change about my past if I could and how that change might effect my present state of well being. After all, I'm a pretty much a happy guy in Timeline 1.

Labels: dose of mikey, spirit

* posted by me at 12:42 AM

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2002-03-14 
 

sipping ambrosia

I've been a bit sad over the past few days. A very good friend of mine lost her mother last week. She'd been ailing for a while, but that never makes things any easier. One of the many things that helped Stasia and I become as close as we did in those post college years was our ability to empathize on the subject of mothers whose bodies were rebelling against them. While I never became as close to her mom as I might have if Stasia and I had chosen paths that stayed closer to home, we did have some comfortable moments together. I remember sitting and talking with her while I waited for Stasia to finish getting ready for one of our nights out in Boston. She'd always offer me a g&t and sit down to get the scoop on what was going on in my life and tell me a bit about hers. And almost invariably, she'd lean forward and conspirationally ask, "So, Michael, how is my daughter doing, really?" I'd always reply with some positive remark - never hard to do in Stasia's case. Her mom would then lean back contented that her mother's instinct was still on target and state, "I knew it." She was one of those genuinely friendly people that the world could use more of. I look forward to bumping into her again some day when I too have moved on to greater things. We'll sit down over whatever ambrosia they serve over there and have a nice chat.

Labels: dose of mikey, memory lane, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 2:04 AM

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2002-03-02 
 

model me

This evening, G and I helped a friend by being models. (He's having the photographs from the brochure for his hotel reshot and we got to be hotel guests in the pictures.) Normally I'm the one sitting in the background looking at the polaroids and making tweaks, so it was rather amusing to be on the other side of the camera for once. After we finished shooting, he treated us to a most delicious meal at the restaurant next door which features traditional Brazilian Churrasco. YUM! Lot's of deliciously seasoned fleisch. Everything from spicy sausages to chicken hearts. (Which I trepidatiously tried, but you know what? Tastes like chicken.)

I also spoke with Bunny G today. It was a good conversation about how she'll always be Bun. Of course I knew that, but there was still something there that made me think about the past nostalgically. After a bit of thought, I figured it out. At one point, B and I were a little family of our own and we knew intimately how each other were feeling. Now that we've gotten into relationships with other people, we won't always know how the other is feeling. There will be people who know the new B better than me...and vice versa. But that's just part of this journey called life. And in the end, I'll always know B and she'll always know me. So when we pop up through the pipes at the end of these days, we'll smile and hug each other and collapse in giggles at the joy of it all.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, linkage, spirit

* posted by me at 1:52 AM

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2002-02-28 
 

hope for the flowers

I had one of those very long days today. The nicest part about it all was getting home around 8:30 and finding G waiting with Chinese. Love that!

Only one other thing to report. A friend sent along an article mentioning the death of thousands of Monarch butterflies in Mexico last month. I would like to report that G and I saw quite a few this past weekend in Montana de Oro. They must have been stragglers. I mention this for two reasons. First, to remind everyone that hope still lies at the bottom of Pandora's box. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, sometimes taking it slow and easy can save your life.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, linkage, spirit

* posted by me at 1:24 AM

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2002-02-22 
 

across the universe

The site I post from was down last night, so I just surfed around instead. So much out there! Just got lost in sputnik7 which is a site that G pointed me to. They have wonderful video of Rufus Wainwright singing Across the Universe. Speaking of across the universe...

Spoke with Bunny G again today. Once again, wonderful to hear her voice, but I was still feeling a bit weird about it all. Last week, when I first dug down into my feelings on the matter, I was choosing to feel abandoned, but I'm choosing to feel otherwise now. I'm choosing to feel happy that we're both in good spaces in our lives and accepting that to continue on our current happy paths, we'll have to remain apart for now. I'm also giving up on worrying that we won't have quite the same connection in the future when we do get together. I was just being scared of change. Of course it'll be different! I keep forgetting that change is desirable and keeps life interesting.

With that in mind, I'm forwarding on a link to the Bun herself so we won't have to be quite so far apart anymore.

Labels: dose of mikey, linkage, shout out, spirit

* posted by me at 2:29 AM

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2002-02-17 
 

i'm going to disneyland

After a bit of a rough start, today turned out to be quite nice. Around 2pm C and I arrived at Disney Land. My very first time at "The Happiest Place on Earth"

I'd been to Disney World back at age 13 with the parentals and Marcus, but somehow I've always wanted to see the park that started it all. The one that always seems to get featured in those too-late at night specials on the DisneyChannel. So today we went and...it was just an amusement park. A rather nice one, with fewer gumwrappers than most, but oh so crowded with every type of dusty human being imaginable and some of them not very nice people. Admittedly not the staff, who were almost eerie in their unerring smilingness. But the visitors were not the clean shining examples of Americana, waltzing down Main Street hand in hand that I'd somehow expected to find.

Now I'm fully aware that I, having survived three full decades on this planet of ours, shouldn't be so naive as to think that some marketers mouse house was truly as wonderful as they proclaimed, yet there was a part of me that did expect it. Did I therefore spend the rest of the day wallowing in sad dissillusionment? No, I was actually overjoyed to find that a part of me still exists that expects the universe to be as wonderful as we sometimes imagine it to be. And the day kept getting better.

We didn't go any many of the rides, but in a twist of good luck we did start out at Thunder Mountain. As we sped up and down this ride, which seemed tame to my adult mind that's experienced highs of many sorts - both natural and un - I suddenly remembered the 13 year old I had been who sped from exit back to entrance with my little brother right next to me so that we could go on it again - and again. That in mind, I spent most of the day letting my inner child run free. Ignoring the gumwrappers and too tired parents and just soaking in what is, after all, a pretty neat place. A big shout out to the dude himself, I was back there today and boy was it fun! (and to any errant wanderer whose tripped onto these pages...I know this is just so much mental masturbation but it's my blog so THBBBT! If you don't like it, you can just go play somewhere else.)

In other news, we all went to see The Royal Tenenbaums tonight. Which greatly pleased my inner English Major. I recommend it to anyone who likes their comedy a bit darker than the usual fare offered up at the cineplex. I confess. When I was younger, I wished I was more like Margot Tenenbaum...that is until I realized I could be interesting in my own right. (bit full of myself tonight aren't I)

One last note before sending this off into the ether. A big thanks to C for being the kind of friend who can wander aimlessly around an amusement park with me just...well hang out. I miss having you around up north!

Labels: dose of mikey, linkage, memory lane, random review, shout out, spirit, travel

* posted by me at 4:02 AM

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2002-02-12 
 

doubleplus good meetings

Oops, I've skipped a day. Bad Mike. I have a good excuse though. This meeting is kicking my butt! Wake up. Meeting, meeting, lunch meeting, meeting, meeting, welcome reception, meeting. In bed by midnight, up by 7:30. Today we actually finished by 6:00 and I skipped out of dinner with a bunch of people I don't know. I have a headache. (how's that for an archetypical excuse?) "Not tonight, I have a headache." Sadly, it's true. I'm waiting for Girly to finish up her spa so that we can do a quick dinner and then I'm popping some Tylenol with codeine and sleeping till tomorrow. Can't wait! But till then...Lucky you! I get to write randomly.

Bunny G called me yesterday and left a message to let me know that she'd been thinking of me. I was happy to hear her voice, but I'm finding myself feeling the need to give her a wide berth right now. I think we're both on very singular missions right now and that too much contact might just end up causing one or both of us a headache. OK, I'm scared of the headache. I'm also scared, as I've always been since she joined the Group, that someday we'll talk and we'll have lost that connection. She could get into my head better than anyone else I know...except maybe for G...but he's still learning. (my head is a rather complicated place, full of cul de sacs and one way streets that lead nowhere). Bunny could tell me what I was thinking even before I knew myself, and I could do the same for her. While that's naturally been lost over the past two years as we chose to walk down our seperate paths, we always had a spark of it left. I guess I'm scared that the spark will go out and that I'll have to be happy with just the memory of the spark. She'd tell me I can choose to be scared over something like that if I want and leave it at that. You know what, she's right.

OK, in the spirit of Mikeyness I'm changing my mind. Not about it being my choice to feel scared. That's just a self evident truth in my book. We might not choose our initial feeling about an experience, but we sure choose how to feel afterwards.

I've decided that the truth is that I don't want to talk to her right now and that I'm not sure why. I think, if I look deep down, I've been having abandonment issues ever since she moved up North to the commune, but that might be too simplistic. I have also felt betrayed by her. It hurt that I didn't get to see her when she zipped past last Thanksgiving. It hurt that she never came to see my new place when I moved. There's a part of me that almost wants to shout out,"I went to visit your new family as strange as that was for me, why wouldn't you come see mine?" There's a part that wants to throw a bucket of cold water over her head and wake her up. "Don't you see that by shutting yourself off with the Group that you minimize the amount wonderfulness you could be sharing with the universe? I know you still get the message out..but to a select few who happen to have the approval of the Group." Hmmm. Suddenly I get an image of the Borg. Maybe not, after all, they do have a lot of orgasm happening up there.

OK, enough ranting for one evening. I'm one to talk about Borg mentality. Look at me with all my meetings. Especially the ones focused on sales. Talk about group think! "We love the company, our message is platform shoes, our message has always been platform shoes, our message has never been anything else. Messages of our competitors are weak. Promote our message. Doubleplus good!" Ooh, I wish I had the 1984 soundtrack right now. It would be nice to hear Annie singing that song. Well, maybe nice to hear after the Tylenol with Codeine. Right now I just need some food and then peaceful sleep.

Labels: dose of mikey, g, linkage, sharketing, spirit, travel

* posted by me at 11:00 PM

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